Who Wants to Be A (Brandon Marshall) Babysitter?

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By Peter Christian

Brandon Marshall is a crazy person. I’m not the first to say it nor will I be the last. He makes the houseguests of Big Brother 11 look like very qualified candidates to teach a Logic course at Yale (or any Ivy League school for that matter). Every time he opens his mouth the ensuing spew of words and insanity is a baffling bunch of bullshit that can only be expected from a three year old with ADD and a crack problem (no offense to 3 year olds afflicted with ADD and a crack addiction). Yet somehow, when the whistle blows Brandon Marshall is an immensely talented football player and when focused on football he can make an offense click. The problem for the team that harbors him is that the NFL is currently under the “Goodell Regime” which means at any given moment you could lose Marshall’s services for his actions or words away from the field. So what is a team to do? How can you guarantee your investment doesn’t blow up in your face with a personality as crazy and volatile as Brandon Marshall?

You babysit him. You hire a team of 5 dudes to be with Marshall around the clock that keep him on a leash, keep him quiet and most importantly, happy.who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire

Currently, Marshall is not happy and wants out of Denver. There are at least a few teams that should have serious interest in his talents but which teams have the ability to contain and restrain him off the field? I thought it might be fun to sit down and play a version of the game “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” to determine which team is the proper suitor. I’ll call the game, “Who Wants to Be a Babysitter?” and you can play along at home.

For $100… oh let’s be real the game doesn’t get real until you get to the $32,000 mark.

For $32,000

Which team is the most void of talent at the WR position, and therefore desperate enough   to even consider discussing Mr. Marshall as an option?

A. New York Jets  B. New York Giants
C. Chicago Bears  D. Minnesota Vikings

While common logic might think that it is the Jets because they have been linked to Marshall in most of the trade rumors, but that is not the case. The Giants are definitely void of talent but they have young potential they should develop and the Vikings have some options as well. No, the Bears have the least talented receiving corps in the league and are in desperate need of a top line receiver to stabilize their offense. It doesn’t hurt that new Bears QB Jay Cutler has an already established rapport with Marshall either.

For $64,000

Which team has the coaching staff most able to get through to Marshall and curtail his childish behavior?

A. Jacksonville Jaguars B. New England Patriots
C. Miami Dolphins  C. Tennessee Titans

The obvious answer is the Belichick regime in New England (see Randy Moss), but all four are suitable answers. Ultimately, however the correct answer is the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Jack Del Rio managed staff. Del Rio is a strict coach that somehow also manages to be a “Player’s Coach.” He also has Mike Tice on his staff as his Assistant Head Coach. Tice’s experience in dealing with Randy Moss and the rest of the “Love Boat” scandal is experience enough to deal with a personality like Marshall.

For $125,000

Which team has a quarterback that will keep Marshall Happy on the field?

A. Baltimore Ravens  B. Dallas Cowboys
C. Washington Redskins C. Cincinnati Bengals

This is pretty much a no brainer right? Yep. Tony Romo and the Cowboys just dealt with keeping an imbalanced human being happy for the last few seasons and other than a few hiccups, Romo succeeded in keeping the targets to TO among the league leaders.

For $250,000

Which team’s administration is crazy enough to get in bed with someone like Marshall?

A. Cleveland Browns  B. Washington Redskins
C. Oakland Raiders  D. Dallas Cowboys

Come on, how is this the $250,000 question? The Raiders are the only team that would think Marshall’s talent outweighs his risk. That isn’t even fair. It’s like we’re giving away the money.

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For $500,000

What team’s location would be best suited to keeping Marshall out of trouble?

A. Green Bay Packers  B. Pittsburgh Steelers
C. Minnesota Vikings  D. Denver Broncos

Your initial response would be Green Bay because it is the smallest city in the NFL, but the real answer is Denver. Green Bay would drive Marshall crazy in about a week. Plus Milwaukee is only a short drive away and bad things can happen in Milwaukee (it is the unofficial Serial Killer Capital of the World). Denver is a big city surrounded by some quiet suburbs but once you get outside of those suburbs you are either in the mountains or the middle of the prairie and the potential for trouble is therefore pretty much confined to one metropolitan area.

For $1,000,000 and the ultimate right to babysit Brandon Marshall

Which of the previously named teams is best suited to carry Brandon Marshall on their roster, keep him happy and keep him out of trouble?

A. Oakland Raiders  B. Jacksonville Jaguars
C. Chicago Bears  D. Dallas Cowboys

Obviously, we omitted Denver from the choices because that looks to be an anti-option.

So who is best suited for Marshall?

who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire-failure-demotivational-poster

 

It is a tough choice. I’d definitely be using a lifeline in this situation to cut it down to only two answers. After the 50/50, you’d be left with the Jaguars and Bears. The Jags have a perfectly able quarterback who isn’t a spotlight hound plus they have a former star on the roster (Torry Holt) that could play the wise mentor role like Cris Carter did to Randy Moss. However, the Bears do have a serious need for Marshall that would make him feel wanted and the relationship with Cutler established in Denver would also be good. The clock is ticking… time for your Final Answer….

If you said the Jacksonville Jaguars you would be the winner. The combination of Del Rio/Tice and Garrard/Holt would be enough to contain Marshall on the field and at practice. Keeping him out of trouble in Jacksonville and beyond could prove to be problematic, but you just won “Who Wants to Be a Babysitter?” for crying out loud. Enjoy the moment. And enjoy Brandon Marshall, until he gets suspended or gets pissed off because the locker room just ran out of Red Vines.

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Comments

  1. I have to admit, I lost at $500,000. the later questions are hard, but I agree when you get your lifelines at the end- It’s Bears and Jags

  2. Bring him to the bears! He can infect that organization from within and with Favre throwing interceptions and dividing the locker room in Minnesota, the path is cleared for the Pack!

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