Super Bowl Shuffle Reunion? Lord Help us All

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By Paul M. Banks

In America, every single holiday is pretty much all about consumption and consumerism. Therefore, the Super Bowl, a day in which the opportunity to sell us crap costs more than it does at any other point, is truly our national holiday. It’s the time when Madison Avenue’s All-Star team gets to shine. But let’s be honest the Mad Men haven’t really given us much to enjoy or talk about on Super Sunday ever since the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”. However all of that will change one week from today, when Boost Mobile gives us the Super Bowl Shuffle 25 year reunion spots.

The Sports Bank.net has acquired these exclusive advance teaser clips for your amusement (and/or bemusement). I still remember giving the original Super Bowl Shuffle 45 record away in a 1st grade Christmas party grab bag. So I guess I’m getting old. Especially since I don’t recall being this excited about a Super Bowl advertisement. I really can’t.

We can’t even be sure this was even right 25 years ago? But just to be sure we are bringing them back for you to decide just how much more wrong- uh, Wronger? Umm… Wrongified???  Well, we’re afraid that things are going to get a whole lot worse!

It’s simple. Groins will be pulled. Cowbells will get rung. And Mike Singletary trades in those intense eyes for bifocals? (Talk about wrong!)


That reminds me- this website was founded on January 16th, 2007. We had two whole writers back then, myself and current V.P. David Kay. A week after the site was founded, the Chicago Bears clinched their first trip back to the Super Bowl since 1985. So Dave and I wrote out own 2007 Super Bowl Shuffle remix. Since most of you probably missed it the first time, here are our verses again

We’ll start with Kyle Orton.

I’m Kyle Orton, I like to drink.
You think Rex is bad, last year you saw how much I stink.
I’ll grow a beard, to try and fool ya.
Everybody knows I’m no Steve Fuller.
If Rex gets hurt, they’ll put in Brian,
If he goes down, my buzz is dyin’
Cause I’m not in Miami to get in the game
I like what Barrett Robbins did, I want to do the same.

Rex Grossman

Sexy Rexy. Get behind the 8 ball!
Both the fans and media don’t trust me at all
watching me play can be quite irritating
125+ or -30 could be my passer rating
When I throw off my back foot, our fans fear
But would you rather have Chad Hutchinson here?
lots of people been unjustly harsh
remember, most Bear QBs don’t make all
16 starts

Cedric Benson

Its Cedric here and I entertain
But some peeps don’t like how I speak so plain
I’m a force running North to South
I can also cause trouble runnin my mouth
The backfield situation won’t become sticky
And don’t compare me to Williams, Ricky
So bring on New Orleans, bring on Indianapolis
This is for Lewis Tillman and Raymont Harris

Nate Vasher

This is Nate, but not the D-O Double G
Burn the Tampa Cover 2? Ha! We’ll see
Last season, I made the Pro Bowl
Patrolling the secondary is how I roll
108 yards, the longest play in NFL history
now I share the honor with teammate #23
Among CBs, I’m the King, where’s my scepter?
All opposing receivers should fear “The Interceptor”

Lovie Smith

Make Lovie, not war, I’m ready and able
To control the play with Comcast Digital Cable
My style’s the polar opposite of Bobby Knight
Yell at my players? Nah, they’re doin’ alright
The ladies all dig my Southern Drawl
I stress Defense first, when coaching football
My laid-back demeanor, the only way I know
To bring a Super Bowl trophy to Chicago

Ron Turner

The West Coast Offense, my brand of ball
Go routes, slants, screen passes; I like to call
I get upset when Rex misses his mark
but I got more ways to use Desmond Clark
with TJ and Ced, we run quite well
The Colts front 7 will get ‘48 minutes of hell’
This season, Berrian emerged as the deep threat
South Beach, post game party, wild ‘n’ wet

Devin Hester

I’m Devin Hester, the special teams King
6 TD’s this season, that’s record breaking!
Against the Rams, returned two in one game
Still didn’t put me on O, guess Lovie’s to blame
Brought a missed field goal back 108 yards
Housed a punt in our comeback versus the Cards
So bring on Desmond Howard and Neon Deion
Dante Hall……what team is he on?

Lance Briggs
They say Brian is our man
If Urlacher can’t do it, I sure can
This is Lance, I’m sick of 54
He gets all the attention, he’s a  media whore
But he plays middle, I’m just weak side
My contract’s up this off-season -Chicago good-bye!
But it’s okay cuz Drew’s my agent
This off-season, he’ll get me a huge cash payment

Brian Urlacher

I’m not Samurai Mike, but I still stop ’em cold
Forget Butkus and Ditka, I can’t be controlled

If you haven’t realized, this is Urlacher
I feel sorry for any opposing blocker
Try to stop me, you’ll be in dismay
I lead the 2007 Monsters of the Midway
Before Leinart was scoring, I visited Paris
Now I’m in Miami, damn right you should fear us

Thomas Jones

Its TJ here, we’ve had a quite a season
My skip-hop step is beyond reason
Now up in the air, throw your hands
And give props to the ‘SNL Superfans
‘Yes Virginia, there is a Thomas Jones
My stints with the Cards and Bucs, I disown
We’re underdogs, but I ignore that noise
Big ups to my bro, Julius, of the Cowboys

Charles ‘Peanut’ Tillman

This is one peanut that no one will roast
Treat the Colts like champagne, about to toast
Like Kanye West, we ‘Touch the Sky’
I was born here, I represent The Chi’
We jam receivers at the scrimmage line
Break up the pass, deflecting right on time
My coverage skills are a gift
‘I’m going to Miami’, just like Will Smith

Tank Johnson

Its Terry here you know me as Tank
I hear Miami has the finest dank
The cops raided my house and took all mine
So for a game, Lovie made me ride the pine
A one game suspension, what a joke!
That just gave me more time to smoke
We’re off to the Super Bowl, I won’t bring my rifle
Peyton’s game you bet I’ll stifle

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Comments

  1. paulmbanks says:

    Our ancestors are really going to laugh and look down at us, for creating the super bowl shuffle. truly. But Dave and I, we can flow- we had some tight verses

  2. Tight versus?? ;) These are hilarious!! Thanks for reposting…

  3. paulmbanks says:

    we try to spit dope rhymes when we can ;)

  4. George Caddick says:

    cheers for the new post. It was super interesting.

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