9 Mile: A Cubs-Sox battling rhymefest

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Soxman vs. Seymour Pennants in a Red Line Series Rap Battle

From North to South, 71 city blocks separate Wrigley and the Cell, or approximately 8.8 MILES. From Lou Piniella vs. Ozzie Guillen in Chevy Ads, Shaq trashing Kobe in his rhymes, the “battle rap” is all the rage right now.

After the Cubs sweeping shellacking of the White Sox this past weekend, most southsiders have been silenced.  So as we engage in another Cubs vs. Sox exchange, some may be surprised that our sock-laden, super hero, Soxman is standing tall and taking Cubs fans everywhere, head-on.


 
(SM) So why would Soxman jump to the front of the pile? Let’s just say I owe it to the movie  “8 Mile.”  Yes I’ll admit it, that the sweep was vile, and I won’t complain that some calls stunk worse than bile.  Cubs fans are gloating and show boating, all the while looking for Sox fans to start scapegoating.  As they laugh and sing “Hey Chicago What Do You Say?” I Lose Myself, and refuse to play.  Cause to try and battle would only give them their way, so use your mind before you jump in the fray.  Yes Cubs fans, you won okay? Congratulations…. and oh yeah have a nice day.
 
The best team in baseball deserves a high five, and we’re also still in first and very much alive.  So words of advice, if you continue to brag, hang that broom right next to our 2005 World Championship Flag.
 
Regardless of what happens, or who finishes worst, always remember: WE WON IT FIRST.  So we’re not bitter or trying to save face, but if you win the gold, it’s still SECOND PLACE.
 
So good luck at going for the silver, we already won the gold, in a 100-year race, this battle is getting old.  So the game is over, try to keep the pace, Sox fans instead focus on the AL Central race. So go  gloat over your three impressive wins, I’m onto to worrying about the Tigers, Indians, and Twins.

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(Seymour Pennants) Soxman…no long rants necessary, the scoreboard did all the talking
 
The Cubs did all the talking when they kicked southside ass all over Chicago this weekend.  I know those poor poor White Sox were suffering from jet lag due to the excruciating distance from their home field.  I know Sox players aren’t used to playing at a field where they know their cars will still be there after the game.  But winning teams gut up, and rise above challenges like…a fun atmosphere, nice bars and restaurants, and beautiful women.  Maybe it was the bad call that was responsible for The Cubs winning 11-7 on Sat, and 7-1 on Sun, because both games we just so close.
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(SM) I think this is a re-run, the truth be told, your arguments are like you, played out and old.  So why don’t you be original, instead of being bitter and cold, and say something we don’t know…now that would be bold!  I know you’re my elder, and I look like a pup, at least I don’t need Viagra to get myself up.  So with a World Series title your Cubs may flirt, but just remember that score on your “Since 1908” shirt.
 

The longest winning streak at home in 65-years, is enough for me to man up and buy y’all a round of beers.  I am a southsider and this exchange has been fun, but just remember, the final bell hasn’t rung.
 
So make fun of my socks, I guess that’s where this exchange ends.  Oh one more thing, you might want to change those Depends.

 Peace-out. Soxman takes off his Sox starter jacket, and his titled White Sox Cap and leaves the room pumping his chest.
 
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Soxman, That was well said, and often quite witty, especially ‘cause you must be feeling so shitty.  But rather than rhyme about my bowels being loose, it’s much better done by the original Rapper…Dr. Seuss.

When you think things are bad, when you feel sour and blue, when you start to get mad… You should do what I do.

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent.”
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Seuss, like the Cubs…..Rules!

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Obama’s a Sox fan, Hillary was a Cubs fan, before she became a Yankees fan, before then becoming a Nationals fan or whatever team she supports today…we know who won the primary contest. Expect a similar spanking at the Cell this weekend.

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Comments

  1. paulmbanks says

    Ive seen two Chris Rock tours live (both in Detroit) and I loved it when he came out on stage to the 8 Mile song “Lose Yourself.”

    my fav joke. “The gov lied to us about Iraq being this huge threat. If they were such a huge threat, how come they took over the entire country in 2 weeks. You couldn’t take over 8 mile in two weeks”

  2. paulmbanks says

    Then I saw him at home and he said “you couldnt take over Cabrinni Green in 2 weeks” but the best was when he did the joke on an HBO special in D.C. and just said “you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks”

  3. Gotta love the the use of Dr. Seuss.

    However, the battle is over, I already walked out the door,
    Your words are the same and have become a bore.
    Holla!

  4. Gold Coast Sox Fan says

    Sox take this round. in a route. big ups Soxman!

  5. Sarah Spain says

    Cubs aren’t scared heading into the Cell,
    we play our game and we play it well.
    Soxman may have won this rhyming match,
    But Seymour Pennants gets way more snatch.
    While Soxman’s whining ’bout questionable calls,
    Seymour’s gettin’ love, even with old balls.
    The Cubs have defense, hitting and pitching,
    It’s not about missed calls, so quit your bitching.
    Tell your starting pitchers to stop taking dumps
    And you won’t have to blame the stinkin’ umps.
    Better get some sleep and eat your Wheaties
    ‘Cause baseball’s best team is feelin’ greedy.
    Cubs’ll sweep again, you can take it from me,
    When I walk out the room it’s to the sounds of Jay-Z:

    SPANIARD, SPANIARD, SPANIARD, SPANIARD…

  6. paulmbanks says

    And I can hear “the shelter” crowd making loud noises in response to that last one.

    Dave and I will bring it in the fall. Our Super Bowl Shuffle ’07 remix vs. yours….both will be posted the week of the season opener…No re-writing and updating. as it was in Feb 07, it’ll be now. and we’ll let the crowd decide! You can’t handle us both at the same time, baby.

  7. paulmbanks says

    Ghetto, I’m surprised you’re not posting more comments on this, I figured this article was right up your alley

  8. Well, where are my White Sox homies since Sarah chose to jump in on this exchange even though she offically batlles Paul Friday!

  9. You know I just noticed something strange,
    “Spaniard’s” points sound much like the first exchange.
    That cubby is sick, it might have mange, so signal the bullpen, time for a change.
    So I’m only going to say this a dozen more times, follow the bouncing ball to keep up with my rhymes.
    I never complained about questionable calls, I admitted you won, and could care less about balls.
    So Spainard thinks she can enter the arena, not against this champ, I’m the sportbank’s John Cena.
    So “blah, blah, blah” your battles are all the same, I even know your comeback, “I’m also The Game.”
    So you think you’re the gladiator, does that mean I’ve been “Spained?”
    Fans know where to click when they want to be “entertained.”
    So drink a few more beers, throw up then begin to detox,
    I ate my cereal, only World Champs appear on a Wheaties box.
    So if a three game sweep is the best that you can bring
    I’ll just sit back, relax, stare at my world championship ring.
    Now quoting Jay-Z, that’s one heck of a chore…
    Already been there…that’s why I give you this ENCORE.

  10. seymourpennants says

    Sarah, Sweetie….I didn’t know you had such deep rooted feelings for my old balls. (blushing).
    But Seymour’s got more game than Cedric did rushing.
    This weekend the Cubs complete the south side sweep,
    As Soxman crawls home, takes off his dirty uniform, and starts to weep.
    This weekend will be Ozzie’s personal version of hell,
    Say…after a hot game at the ballpark, how bad must that styrofoam batman suit smell?
    That smell of formaldehyde, rotten eggs, and amonia clears out our noses,
    In comparison, my 100 year old balls smell like roses.
    Sarah…call me, let’s hang.

  11. paulmbanks says

    The crowd went “oooohhhhh” and “ooooowwwwww” in response to those last couple comments

  12. Dino Ciccarelli says

    Soxman owned this exchange. now lets see our boy Banks take the next one when it comes up. And of course it would be good if the Sox actually win a game in all this…

  13. The Statue of Harold Baines says

    its our time now, Go Sox!

  14. Yeah!!!Go Sox!!!!!

  15. seymourpennants says

    Dino,

    So what if Soxman is the better rhymemaster?
    He wins hands down and I’m sure he’s much faster.
    But Banks had the biased editing cranking,
    especially with the Obama giving Hillary a spanking
    The pic was intended to be a photoshopped slap,
    with Barak proudly wearing a blue & red Cubs cap.

    But Dino, only two things count –
    1) The Cubs will continue the 2nd weekend sweep,
    while the downtrodden Sox homeward creep
    2) Sarah wants my wrinkled old balls,
    while Soxman’s Southside wetdream works the Statesville halls.

    I’m Seymour Pennants, proudly bashing Soxman
    Because I’m the oldest, yet sexiest rockin’ Cubs Fan
    The ladies love me, right Dutchie & Sarah?
    With help from Viagara I’m W. Addison’s oldest Playah
    The Cubbies will win it all, after 100 Years gone
    So get your 100 Years of Frustration shirts at http://Since1908cloting.com

  16. Sarah Spain says

    Fine, Soxman, I’ll stop belaboring old points,
    I’ll hit the Southsiders with some fresh new joints.
    I’m actually quite glad you guys got that ring
    Otherwise these face-offs would be crazy boring.
    Cubs fans get to boast about our all-star players
    And watch Kerry Wood prove wrong the naysayers.
    Fukudome still has the best name around
    And DeRosa’s so dreamy with a bootie so round.
    We’re delighted by surprises like Dempster and The Riot
    They’re sellin’ Cubs Kool-aid? Yeah, I’ll buy it.
    MLB’s best in a number of ways
    Cubs wins have Chi-town smiling for days.
    But while this year dominates OUR flow,
    You’re still talking ’bout three years ago.
    Of course we’re jealous that you’ve got that ring,
    But there’s no other mud for you to sling.
    Our team, coach, field and fans top yours
    (Not to mention our team’s final scores).
    So enjoy your memories while we’re making new ones
    (Both of big Cubs wins and DeRosa’s buns).
    When all’s said the real winner ain’t the Cubs,
    It’s the City of Chi, with TWO chart-topping clubs!

  17. paulmbanks says

    I love how the comments here ended up being as good as (probably better) than the original article itself.

    Love how the rhymes got pretty explicit and vulgar at times too! I’m all in favor of the internet’s standards on censorship

  18. YOUNG PRINCE OF SOX NATION says

    Nice rap.. Eminem’s my fav rapper. so after readin dis rap, ima make a rap about the sox but using lil wayne flow… NICE FRICKIN SONG!!!. im on your friend list hit me up anytime

  19. Sorry I’m fashionably late to the show… NBA Draft and the work stretch from hell has had me quite busy…

    allow me to verbally assassinate the White Sox like 2Pac does to Biggie in this song (pun intended Banks, I hope all parties understand that this is in fun, and in no way meant to hurt anyone’s feelings… nothing but love for all)

    To 2Pac’s “Hit ‘Em Up”

    First off, swept your asses last weekend Sox…
    North side when we ride, Sheffield, Addison blocks…
    You claim to be a contender, but you’re barely in first…
    Best team in the Bigs, furthest thing from worst…
    Plus Ozzie tryin’ to talk trash about weight lifting rats…
    Thome, OC, and Paulie some weak ass bats…
    We’ll keep on coming. while you stumblin to the Twins…
    Wood is gunning, bat busting, closing down them wins… It’s how it’s been… No Soriano or Zambrano, but we’re still on top…
    While the Sox are heading for a second half flop… Cubs can’t be stopped…
    Ozzie, don’t try to mess around with Sweet Lou…
    It’d be like Soxman trying to mess with Ronny Woo Woo… It’s how I do…
    I’ll let the south-siders know it’s on for life…
    Cuz the north-side wins this fight, that’s right…
    Sox Man, Banks murdered on TSB.net…
    While me, Sarah, and Seymour come correct…
    You know, See

    Grab your cocks when you beat the Sox…
    Sell your stocks if you’re buying the Sox…
    You won one game, but you punks won’t finish…
    Now you bout to feel the wrath of a menace…
    WE HIT EM UP!!!

  20. paulmbanks says

    Somebody needed to change the rhyming scheme. As Kanye and 50 would say. “I switched the style up and if they hate, let ‘em hate, they can hate and we can watch the money pile up”

    I know all of you anticipate
    What the TSB.net kingpin is gonna state
    Cub losses soon amount to 3 straight.
    On the road, they’re anything but great.
    Against Sox hitters and pitchers, you just don’t rate
    Cub Nation’s inevitable collapse, I prognosticate
    You know it too, as you hide in your debate
    The Cubs and 2nd no 3rd place, make a perfect mate
    Have another championship-less year…Since 1908
    You pick fights with me, sometimes I take the bait
    But I’m runnin’ thangs there, there’s a lot on my slate
    So tonight, Sarah, Dave, and Seymour please contemplate
    No October and a 3-game sweep. that’s truly your fate

  21. paulmbanks says

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xviL4-1lqo

    This is the song Dave is referencing. his rhymes were phatso! well done rocking the mic

  22. Bronzeville Cubs Fan says

    FO SCHO

  23. The Statue of Harold Baines says

    SWEEP!!!!! SWEEP!!!

  24. paulmbanks says
  25. Heidi Hot sox says

    This was an awesome read!!! Soxman you brought the house down and represented the Sox well. You kinda look like Eminem I think. He has been gone for a while. Hmmmm. LOVE you and love this post. Holla!

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