Take It To the Bank — College Football Saturday!

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It’s been a long couple weeks.

I didn’t do so good for most of ya a couple weeks ago.  I had to go into hiding.

You don’t believe me? Here’s an email our esteemed Mr. Banks got:

Dear Louie:
I cannot believe that a simp like you who lives in Vegas went only 1-4 or 2-4, depending how you look at your parlay win. What a joke.  And you get paid for this? And people follow your advice?? It’s terrible!  A blind, one-nut monkey could do better than you. A blind one-nut monkey probably HAS done better than you.

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

Well, Mr. Concerned Citizen, let me tell you something: I’ve got both balls, but I had to have my prostate removed back in ’77 after a long weekend with Cybil Shepherd. Not that that has anything to do with anything, I’m just saying.

And this week, this is what you’ll all be saying: How are you so lucky, Louie??

By “Lucky” Louie Esposito

Look, I know you all were worked up about a couple of weeks ago, but I got it this week, I got it. I was hiding out because, well…I was scared. Hell you would be too if “A Concerned Citizen” was emailing people. What kind of psycho does that? A real man puts his name to something…the crazies go anonymous. It’s cause they know they might have to have plausible deniability later.

My lawyer taught me that one — plausible deniability. I think I even know what it means.

Let’s get on with the games — the pick will be first and in bold, and the lines are from the LOVELY Harrah’s casinos.

Central Michigan -18 vs. Ball State — Look, I know that Ball State lost by 45 last week, but it should have been more. Central Michigan is pretty good and proved it on the road against Northwestern last week. The one thing I know about this particular game is that BALL STATE SUCKS. So…you should be accordingly.

East Carolina +14 at North Carolina — Call this a hunch. East Carolina is ok. North Carolina gets some of their better players back this week, but I don’t think it matters. Hard to come back together as a team after missing all that time. It’s like that time I saw Jerry Lewis performing solo on stage at the Stardust, lamenting he wasn’t with Dean Martin, and I just yelled at him, “Hey, quit your whining, you little fairy!” Not that this has anything to do with football, but I’m telling ya, he was crying on stage! Because of another man!  What would you think?

Ohio State -17 at Illinois — Seems like a lot of points to lay on the road, doesn’t it? Never fear, Terrelle Pryor and company cover going away. Alotta people around this site seem to think that with, “Clear eyes, full heart…we can’t lose,” in relation to Illinois this weekend and I say…it’s a bad TV show and you should be paying more attention to football rather than making googly eyes at Minkles Kellie or whatever her name is…

Iowa -7 vs. Penn State — I think there’s a dirty little secret surrounding the Nittany Lions. I think it’s that they aren’t very good. I mean, they were losing to Temple last week with basically a quarter left to play!  TEMPLE!! I don’t care if they ARE better this season…it’s freakin’ TEMPLE!!

Oregon -7 vs. Stanford — I think this is another dirty little secret, and it’s that Oregon might just be the best team in the country. Like, seriously so. No foolin’. I don’t know how, what with all the grass they smoke up there, but…

Florida +8 at Alabama — I’m gambling a lot of hunches this week. I also think Alabama is really, really good, but that Arkansas showed how you can beat the Tide. I think Florida took notice and is just going to out-execute them. I also think that the losing coach in this one, Nick Saban or Urban Meyer, should just have to retire. Or retire his ego, one of the two.

Those are my picks.  I’m Lucky. You wanna be lucky too? Listen to me.

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