This is the year you want to tune in.
This Sports Bank, they got a pretty smart guy runnin’ this thing. They saw the terrible job that that Chicagoan guy did picking games last season and they turned to a grizzled veteran to make the picks. That Paul Banks guy, he knows. He knows.
He went out to Vegas to find the best, and he’s got him.
Now, yeah, maybe I’ve been on hard times lately…and that public drunkenness charge was trumped up because one time I told a story about a client that our now-mayor Oscar Goodman was defending…you know, a “good ol’ boy,” and voila! Now he finds any reason he can to get me throw me in the slammer.
So Mr. Banks bails me out and says, “Hey, you wanna write a gambling column for my site?”
And I tells him, “Hey, I’m not that great with the words, you know? But maybe I can tell some stories and show my picks for the week and we can all make money or something.”
And that Mr. Banks, he sure is funny, he says back to me, “Well, OK, I guess you can tell stories but you’ve got to keep it clean and you’ve still got to provide actual information to my readers.”
So I tells him, “Hey, I don’t really prescribe to any rules. I’ll do what I do, you do what you do and we’ll all be OK.”
Then he muttered something under his breath, and I didn’t really hear what it was. Something about someone being a drunken idiot. Probably that Schmidt guy who was making picks last year.
Anyways, like I told Mr. Banks, I don’t really prescribe to any rules. I’m not going to pick a set number of games like a boob. I’ll pick however many I want. Also, I only bet at the Harrah’s casinos, mostly Caesar’s Palace, so those are the lines you’re gonna see. They’re the only ones that haven’t banned me yet. So, I kinda like them. Because I can go. So you might see some variations from your bookie or whoever. This is just a guideline. For fun. Or something like that.
Home teams listed in bold.
LSU -9.5 at Vanderbilt – I know that LSU looked like crap against a UNC team last week that was missing like 45 starters. But they still had good players. This is freakin’ Vanderbilt. VANDERBILT! When was the last time they were any good? Never, just like I thought. Their highest profile fan is an ESPN baseball writer, for cryin’ out loud. And you’re telling me LSU isn’t killing them? Like Sammy Davis used to tell me back when I’d try to get some blow from him…”Child, please.”
Oklahoma -7 against Florida State – Coaches are meant to be named Bubba. I agree. But this is a FAR too talented Oklahoma team to win by less than a TD at home to anyone. You know, unless they’re playing Utah State or some power like that. But still, they got a lot to prove after last week. They should do that here.
Michigan +3.5 at Notre Dame – So these teams are probably about even. So if I can take the team who has the best player in the game, and that player is a QB, I’m gonna do it. And if I can get 3 or more points while I’m doing it? That’s just gravy, baby.
Ohio State -8.5 against Miami – It’s all about the U. But not this week. Ohio State has more to prove in this one, and Miami hasn’t played well on the road in a high profile game since I was opening as a stand-up comic for Don Rickles back in the good old days at the Stardust.
Oregon -12 at Tennessee – I liked what I saw from Tennessee last week, I really did. When I watched them, I thought, “Hey, now there’s a team with some moxie.” Also, their coach is named Dooley, and I think I went gigging frogs with him back down in the swamps of Louisiana when I was running some hooch through the backwaters…but that’s another story for another day. I liked Tennessee, but did you see Oregon’s offense? 70 points? Against a real Division 1-A school? Come on.
Alabama -12 against Penn State – God Bless ya, Joe Paterno. When your parents asked me to stand up for you at your confirmation, I had no idea that we’d both still be doing this in 2010. Who knew? But you’re starting a freshman QB on the road. At the number one school in the country. I don’t care if they are missing one of the nation’s best players at RB, that Richardson kid can play, and your freshy had trouble against Youngstown State. That ain’t a good sign, Joe.
Tune back in for my NFL picks later today! Let’s all be “Lucky!”