By Peter Christian

thecallouts@gmail.com

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This (and Last) week I enjoyed: Joe Mauer’s MVP Award, Thanksgiving Feasts (x2), Food Network’s Thanksgiving preparations, catching up on “Flash Forward,” Feast Week, Portland Pilots, Mustached Minnesota Wild players

Tiger Woods and Family

Most days I’d trade lives with Tiger Woods in a hummingbird’s heartbeat. These last couple days would be the exception to the rule. It isn’t that often that you expect a guy who is worth 10 quadrillion dollars to wake up and have the first thought that goes through his head be, “Make it stop.”

That’s Tiger’s life right now. Even though he still has a yacht load of money (and a couple yachts, I’m sure), a beautiful wife and a healthy child, Tiger is in the dumps.  And while there are going to be plenty of Tiger apologists (2 or 3 of my former roommates included) the glaring fact is that it’s his own damn fault.

I just don’t understand why Tiger thinks we (the general public, the media, the fans, the entire population of the world etc.) are such idiots to believe the lunacy being spewed from his and his publicist’s mouths. How does he not give some people more deductive credit? The probability of his current story (inexplicable accident, followed by wife saving him by bashing the rear window in with a golf club) being totally true is about 9 trillion to one.

Was there no time to run to one of his neighbor’s teenage kids and ask them to come up with a more ridiculous plot line to cover up the completely obvious events? I understand the public embarrassment of your wife causing physical harm to your face and then losing control as she attacks your vehicle, but nearly every male over the age of 21 and absolutely every female over the age of 5 will understand that these things happen.

Sure, there would have been speculation as to why the outburst occurred, but that same speculation is happening right now anyways. It’s not like creating the lie made everyone forget that there were some pretty bad rumors out there already. So why go through the possibility of facing more trouble, this time with the police (filing a false police report) just to make things worse?

Just tell everyone what we already know (Elin was hysterically accusing Tiger of cheating, he said he was leaving, she mauled his face like a Siamese cat goes after hanging curtains and as he pulled out of the drive way she took a 5 iron to the rear window causing Tiger to lose control/focus and he hit the hydrant and tree) and move on. It would probably give Tiger even more of an edge if the other players knew the only way to get inside Tiger’s head is if Elin is beating the hell out of the Escalade.

Sports Illustrated

And so it continues. The love affair with the most overrated athlete of our generation goes on. Derek Jeter needs an entire storage unit to hold all of the undeserved awards he has won over the years. This year just seems like the sports media and fans are piling it on for no other reason than the fact that in all likelihood this is going to be their last chance. First it was the Hank Aaron Award given to each league’s best hitter (not even close), then it was the absurd notion that Jeter is a great defensive player with another Gold Glove award and now an award that is the icing on the cake and is the biggest load of crap: Sports Illustrated’s 2009 Sportsman of the Year.

Are you effing kidding me? What the Hell did he do to even be nominated for such an award? Jeter was unfairly voted to win the Hank Aaron Award by fans with a combined IQ of 6 (25 million Yankees fans combined to vote for Jeter, you do the math), he was handed a Gold Glove for having no range and being decent at completing routine plays at shortstop all while being surrounded by top talent and getting an extra leg up by also having a Gold Glove 1st basemen.

Sportsman of the Year? Someone explain to me what Derek Jeter did to earn such an honor? Is it because he gives such riveting answers to reporters during press conferences? Doubtful. Is it because he’s engaged to Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly) from “Friday Night Lights” and Tim Riggins hasn’t beaten his stupid face with a tire iron yet? Probably. There is no answer.

He wasn’t the best player on his team, in his division, in his league or in all of baseball and yet… SI gives him another award for poops and laughs. I don’t get it and it gives me a headache. How can people bitch and moan about all the fawning and love the media give to Brett Favre (who by the way, earned the awards he got) but are then OK with commentators slobbering over Derek Jeter on live television and organizations handing over trophies, plaques and awards that he clearly doesn’t deserve? As my good friend David Kay reminds me all of the time, “people baffle me.”

Truer words.

Adam Lambert

Look Adam, we get it. You like dudes. We’re OK with it. You don’t need to spend 5 minutes on national TV rubbing it in our faces… literally.

(I searched and searched for a way to avoid the “rubbing in our faces” line but I finally realized that I can only battle Lambert’s blunt tactics with blunt words… it’s the only way)

If, by chance, you were in a coma for the last week and you didn’t see the video of Lambert’s sex romp around the stage of the American Music Awards count yourself among the lucky and avoid it like I’ve done with “Titanic” over the last 12 years, just acknowledge that it happened and don’t ever allow yourself to be in the same room when it is being played.

However, like myself with “Titanic” that doesn’t mean that you can’t be told everything that happened. First there was the dancer that Lambert was walking on a leash, then there was Lambert shoving his crotch in the face of said dancer and finally he topped it off by kissing the keyboard player in a fashion that made me think he lost a bet (Lambert, not the keyboard player, although on second thought… the keyboard player definitely lost something too).

Oh and Lambert’s singing continued to suck. He screams in a microphone and for some reason people go batty. I haven’t been this baffled by people’s lack of a sense of music since I heard a Fergie song on the radio.

Late Addition: Yahoo! Fantasy Sports

Everyone has a fantasy football story of how they should have won if only they would have done “X” or started “Y” and while I have plenty of those piled up during the past decade, none amount to some of the stories I have from this season nor do they explain why I will never, ever use Yahoo! as a fantasy sports provider ever again. I used to be a loyal Yahoo! user went it came to my annual fantasy football league or two (or seven) but as other sites began allowing users to have make more and more customizations and adding other bells and whistles (like live scoring) for no cost I began to bid farewell to Yahoo! Fantasy Sports… since 2005 or so the only times I have continued to use Yahoo! for a Fantasy Sports platform was when someone else set up the league and I just went along. Well, no more.

The season started out bad for Yahoo! earlier this year when a member of a league I was in was locked out of his entire Yahoo! account for having a NSFW picture as his team logo in our PRIVATE LEAGUE. No one but the 10 members of our league could see that dirty image, yet Yahoo! locked that owner out after week 3 and never let him log back in. He couldn’t change his lineup, drop injured players, nothing. He even emailed Yahoo! to get help logging back in… they simply sent a copy of their User Policy and basically told him to get bent. No apologies to the fact that any team that played him during the bye weeks got a free ride because of his inability to change his lineup (yes, I’m a little bitter because I did not get to play him during those weeks).  If that was all, I’d probably tell a couple people why Yahoo! sucks and move on, but it doesn’t end there.

Fast forward to Sunday morning of this week. As Steve Smith’s (the one who was the good Steve Smith, then became the bad Steve Smith, then got kind of good again… plays for Carolina) status was in jeopardy for his game against the Jets (and playing against Darrelle Revis) I decided to pick up a WR to start in his place. That WR was Robert Meachem… the problem arose when trying to insert the WR into my lineup. I kept getting an error message that said I couldn’t complete the transaction. I made attempts to make the roster adjustment from both a computer and from my phone with no luck. I tried putting Santonio Holmes (who I decided to bench due to Dennis Dixon… whoops) in that spot and was able, but for some reason Meachem would not slide into my WR slot. I tried putting in Holmes and then putting in Meachem, that was a no go as well. Finally, after an hour or so, my time ran out, the noon kickoff games started and Steve Smith was locked in that slot and he netted me all of 0.5 points. Robert Meachem you ask? 10.4 points in the 1st half alone… Stupid Yahoo!

Honorable Mentions: ESPN Personalities calling Lazar Hayward “Lazar Haywood,” UCLA Basketball, David Kahn, Minnesota Timberwolves, Strep throat, Urban Meyer crying about Tim Tebow’s last game

If you have a nomination for a call-out, please send them to thecallouts@gmail.com

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