By Peter Christian

thecallouts@gmail.com

Commonly, the weekly ruse known as “The Call-Outs” are an avenue to point out all that is wrong, stupid and moronic in the world of sports and pop culture. Most often I compile things that defy logic, raise eyebrows and cause a laundry list of medical maladies that include (but are not limited to): rise in blood pressure, grinding of teeth, scratching at face and shaking of heads. I didn’t ask for the gig, it was presented to me as a gift by the Greek God Apollo. OK, I made that up, but it makes for a good story. I also include a list of things I enjoyed so that I don’t seem like a complete “Negative Ned,” which on most days, fails. Nonetheless, I continue with the list.

This week I enjoyed: Joe Mauer, Brett Favre ending his 3+ month wang tease, MLB entry draft signing deadline, Mark Cuban’s blog, Thomas Boswell’s article about Stephen Strasburg prior to the signing deadline,

Batting Stance Guy

Every time I complain about this guy to my wife or buddies they always give me the standard response, “You can’t blame the guy for getting paid for something that simple.”

My response: “You bet your ass I can.”

Look. this douche has took a skill that I developed when I was 9 years old (I could do every Twins player, every A’s player as well as most of the All-Stars) and perfected when I was recovering from mono when I was 12 (I could mimic nearly every swing in the American League, my crown jewel was Griffey Jr., it was perfect). So how exactly did someone decide that this guy (Gar Ryness) was the certified expert? Plus, some of his imitations are less than accurate (many of his supposed “best” are more caricatures of the real swings rather than complete imitations). Others are a just a poor attempt at imitation. The most notable bad imitation is the 1991 World Series Game 6 walk-off home run by Kirby Puckett.

If you are going to imitate one of the greatest moments in the history of the game, please, PLEASE! Do so with great attention to detail. Don’t mock Puckett’s celebration as he rounded the bases by looking like a man with legs that can’t bend at the knees and add in a few lame fist pumps. Go all out or go home. I did your bit when I was 9 and I did it for free and I did it better.

Mike Scioscia

I can’t tell you how many commentators, baseball analysts, players and other coaches I’ve heard sing praises about Mike Scioscia and his managerial skills. Hearing other people talk about him you would think he was Baseball Manager Jesus (yes that is another Jesus reference on The Sports Bank, the third in 8 days by my count). Yet, I need to take him to task for how he has handled the playing time of his catchers in 2009.

I know that the Angels are in first place and have the 2^nd best record in baseball, but why does Scioscia continue to march Jeff Mathis out behind the plate in a straight platoon with Mike Napoli? I can understand that Mathis is the personal catcher of a certain pitcher or if he was an option for Scioscia to bat from the opposite side of the plate (as Napoli) but that isn’t it. Instead Mathis and Napoli have split the catching duties pretty much down the middle (Napoli has played in 26 more games mainly due to getting a run of time at DH while Vlad Guerrero was injured). Why exactly does Napoli sit on the bench so often when he is batting 91 points better than Mathis (in 128 more at-bats), getting on base more and has significantly more power? Supposedly Scioscia likes the way Mathis handles the pitching staff and also is worried about Napoli’s ability to remain healthy, but I’m not buying. Earlier in the season the Angels had a young starting rotation due to a few injuries which may have required Mathis to handle the staff; however they are now rolling with 3 veteran pitchers (Lackey, Weaver & Santana) which wouldn’t necessarily dictate needing a great “game caller” behind the dish. As for the injury risk, every player is at risk for injury, a fact that Scioscia and the Angels know all to well so why knowingly make your lineup worse by sending out a guy that can barely hit Major League pitching? Especially when your other option is in the midst of a career year? My guess is that Scioscia, a former defensive minded catcher has a soft spot for Mathis’ skill set and rewards him with more playing time than he deserves. (Note: Yes I do own Mike Napoli in my fantasy league, and Scioscia is killing me)

Big Brother Casting
This is the second time I’ve ripped on the cast of “Big Brother 11” and it is for much of the same things as I pointed out at the beginning of the season last month except with much more vigor. This cast features some of the most illogical, idiotic, mentally unstable, egotistical people on the face of the planet. The group of Natalie, Jessie and Lydia (the worst of the cast is Chima, but she gets her come-uppins in a minute) are without a doubt the dumbest trio I’ve ever seen on television (note: I have watched nearly every season of Real World, two seasons of Rock of Love and every second of Tool Academy, these three take the cake). Why on earth would Big Brother producers think these 3 would contribute to the entertainment of the show when they can barely put together a coherent thought, let alone sentence (yes, I’m looking right at you Natalie)? I really hope BB gets their stuff together next year when I audition, because if things stand pat I won’t have a chance at making the cast due to the fact that I’m TOO smart to be on the show.

Chima Simone

Chima is the pain in the ass contestant that found herself expelled from the Big Brother house for failing to comply with the simple rules of being in the house and part of the game: keep your mic on, go to the Diary Room when told. That’s it. Instead the annoying, snooty, holier than thou Chima decided she was the Steven Seagal of BB11 as she apparently was “Above the Law.” Other reason’s to hate her: she plainly stated she would rather quit than be voted out (because apparently the name “Chima” is synonymous with “Sore Loser”), on multiple occasions she claimed, “She was running the house” (she won ONE competition and was a single vote away from being evicted in week 1) and also stated that she was screwed by the producers (not literally, no one would want to do that) and that is why she was getting set to pack her bags. Following her expulsion, Chima has said that she was misrepresented and that Big Brother (a show whose motto is: Expect the Unexpected) is: Factitious, Simulated, Concocted, Fabricated, Manufactured; Deceptive, Delusive, Misleading; Unauthenticated, Pseudo, Sham; Bogus, Unreal!!!

Sorry Chima, we all saw your abrasive, bitchy attitude on multiple occasions you can’t hide the fact that you are a terrible, terrible person that no one should ever have to deal with again. I hope you are happy that you came up well short in your lame attempt to become the Big Brother version of Omarrosa… ooops, went a little long there, your 15 minutes are up.

Real World: Cancun/MTV

Who the hell is calling the shots for this season of RW? Following in the vein of criticizing the Big Brother producers for casting such mental midgets, I must do the same for RW: Cancun. I do not understand what any person found appealing about the personality of any of the girls this season with the exception of maybe (big maybe) Ayiiia (pronounced Aye-eee-ya) because she won an online contest to get on the cast (Anyone who voted for Ayiiia to be on my TV every week deserves a Stephen Strasburg fastball to the face). They aren’t interesting people and aren’t really that good looking, why put them on the show? Quite the epic fail by the casting department.

I also have to address the issue that the show runners seem to have absolutely no spine. The first issue came up with the “Cutting” episode in which the self-absorbed, ungrateful Ayiiia was actually hiding from the cameras to cut her arms with no production interruption. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO LET ONE OF YOUR CAST MEMBERS POTENTIALLY COMMIT SUICIDE ON YOUR SHOW?!?!?! The fact that the camera crew continued filming means that they are either morally evil or like myself, hate Ayiiia. Second, is the issue of Joey being sent home after being fired from his job at Student City (a Spring Break vacation provider). Joey was not a good person by any means and by nature was pretty douchey, however when in a house with a handful of people that are extremely boring he was one of the few sources of entertainment, you would think that with all the free publicity Student City is getting from MTV the producers of the show could have intervened to find a way for Joey to remain on the show (unless again, they also hated Joey and wanted an excuse for him to be gone). Lastly I come to the most recent show in which Bronne (pronounced Braw-nee) was kicked out of the resort/hotel the cast is being put up in because he threw a fire extinguisher from their suite balcony into the outdoor hotel pool. Luckily for Bronne and anyone still watching the show, he was not sent home but now must stay at a much less esteemed hotel in a dorm like setting. However, again I must ask, why no intervention by the producers? I understand that the hotel wants to maintain a level of safety and tact for its other guests, but the free publicity the hotel is getting equates to more than a one strike policy for the cast members, no? If this results in a noticeable reduction of Bronne time on the Real World, I’m out.

Anyone who yells “GET IN THE HOLE” at a PGA event

(Nominated by reader, Joe Storms)

I would guess when the first person to ever yell the phrase immediately after the golfer’s swing was completed, it was pretty funny. In fact the first ten times it was probably funny. The problem is that people still yell it after every single pro golfer tees off on a par 3, strokes a long putt, chips from the rough or muscles up an iron from the fairway and they have been for as long as I can remember watching golf on TV or attending PGA/Champions Tour events. I don’t understand why people continue to yell the phrase. I don’t get it. Does the guy think that he is actually going to have an affect on the path of the ball because he yelled it? Does he think that if the ball indeed does “get in the hole” that they will look back at him and congratulate him as if he is Nostra-frickin-damus? When I picture someone yelling that stupid cliché at a golf course I imagine a guy in his twenties or thirties who has had a couple adult beverages and before the golfer approaches the ball he’ll turn to his buddy, already chuckling, and say, “Watch this.” Then he’ll bellow it out as loud as he can as soon as he sees the ball is away and then laugh at his own joke (and if his buddy is drunk, he’ll laugh too). If you are ever at a professional golf event and you see or hear that guy I give you full permission to trip said dude and shove tree bark into is nose, mouth and ears.

Tiger Woods

Tiger’s 2009 was a little disappointing even before he teed off at the PGA Championship. He finished four strokes behind the leader in both the Master’s and the U.S. Open and he missed the cut at the British Open (for the first time ever). The five wins to this point in the year are something of an expectation of Woods, but the Call-Out of the best golfer to ever play the game (not hyperbole, fact) is due to his epic choke job during the PGA Championship this past weekend. Not only did Woods fail to win a major after holding a 54-hole lead but he did so in such a clunker fashion. He got beat by the course and outplayed by an absolute unknown who had previously won only one other PGA event. When you add in that Woods had the 2^nd worst score among all players to finish in the top ten and it was quite possibly the worst Sunday performance by Tiger in a Major. He started the day leading by 2 strokes and held at least a share of the lead until the 14^th. Instead of acting like himself, Tiger took the role of so many that attempted to duel with Woods and he wilted away in the final four holes, giving up two more strokes to the previously unknown Korean Y.E. Yang who I still say is a 50-1 long shot to ever win a Major again.

Honorable Mentions: Oklahoma City NBA Franchise, David Kahn, Packer fans who suddenly hate Favre, Real GM, Scott Boras, Shaquille O’Neal, “Shaq vs.”

If you have a nomination for a call-out, please send them to thecallouts@gmail.com

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• The Call Outs: MLB Umpires and Beyond
• The Call-Outs
• The Call-Outs 5-12-10
• The Call Outs
• The Call-Outs 2-12

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