By Peter Christian

thecallouts@gmail.com

The Call-Outs are a weekly list comprised of entities in the sports and pop culture realm whose actions and behaviors deserve to be pointed out and ridiculed. I didn’t ask for the gig, it was presented to me as a gift by the Greek God Apollo. OK, I made that up, but it makes for a good story. I also include a list of things I enjoyed so that I don’t seem like a complete “Negative Ned”

This week I enjoyed: St. Louis Cardinals Mustaches, MLB At Bat mobile application, All Stars Among Us presentation, All Star Game.

CBS

In the Tivo/DVR era CBS is a supervillain. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to set up recordings on CBS (usually on Sunday nights) only to play the recording and watch 43 minutes of “60 Minutes” instead of the show I want to watch. I am fully aware that sporting events run long quite often, however it is pretty irresponsible of the network to screw over their audience because some golfers took too long to finish their round (actually it’s more likely that some network employees suck at estimating when a sporting event is going to wrap up). Why can’t CBS follow in the footsteps of FOX and create a buffer show that will allow sporting events to run long and not screw up the rest of their primetime programming? Instead, I am going to have to attempt to outsmart the network when recording CBS shows on Sunday night by using the manual settings on the DVR. I hate CBS, how they are “America’s Most Watched Network” baffles me… oh wait, its because most of America is too stupid to change the channel when “Two and a Half Men” is on. That show sucks.

Big Brother

I openly admit that the only reality game show I enjoy watching is “Big Brother” only because it is the only reality show I think I have an above average chance at winning someday. However, after seeing the cast that they chose for BB11, the show has to get called out. If I would have attempted to make it into this show and would have been part of the current cast, I would have contemplated suicide about 19,000 times in less than a week. This cast is so bad that I actually think that Jesse (return cast member from BB10) isn’t that bad this time around. Yes, I said it. The guy who never stops talking about himself and his huge muscles and is constantly flexing for his own enjoyment is one of the least annoying people in the house. I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to watch this full season because there are so many different houseguests that make me taste vomit in the back of my throat. Thanks Big Brother casting for ruining a good show… when is Survivor on?

Home Run Derby

First, I need to point out to ESPN how stupid it is to only schedule two hours of programming for the Home Run Derby. For as long as I can remember, the event has taken more than three hours. Last year I recorded the two hour HR Derby slot on my DVR and due to Josh Hamilton’s HR hitting spree I didn’t even get to see the full first round. This year saw the first round get completed but the dreaded “swing off” between Carlos Pena, Joe Mauer and Albert Pujols didn’t make the cut. While I could skewer ESPN in the same manner as CBS above, instead I’m taking my shots at the derby itself.

Why on earth does it take 8 dudes more than two hours to each take their cuts? Why is there a 15 minute (at least) break between each hitter? I know that the network has to get commercials in, but come on? 3+ hours of guys swinging for the fences in a simple 3 round competition seems a bit much. I know there isn’t anything on TV on Monday’s during the summer but do we really need to sit and wait until after 10 (central time) to find out who the champ is? Plus there is the fact that not only are you wasting your entire Monday evening, but you have to endure Chris Berman while doing it. Look ESPN, the guy is a hack. He was great in the 80’s but that decade ENDED twenty years ago. To say that his schtick is worn is like saying that White Castle may slightly increase the amount of time you will spend in the bathroom; it is a huge understatement. Could we please get a guy that isn’t so concerned with hearing his own voice and can someone please tell Joe Morgan that we’ve heard every single story he has already? I’m glad its only once a year, because I always get a little excited for it, but after about 15 minutes I realize, oh yeah, it’s the same thing, just a different ball park.

John McDonough

While there might be some people that are a bit concerned that David Kahn is not on the list this week, rest assured he will likely be making an appearance again real soon. Keeping his spot warm however is the Chicago Blackhawks President John McDonough. Johnny Boy put his head under the guillotine when he decided to fire his current GM after a gaffe regarding a league deadline to make an offer to the team’s restricted free agents (even though he said in an interview he didn’t blame outgoing GM Dale Tallon wholly for the mix-up) even though the team just made a run to the Conference Finals. So while McDonough backtracked his way through a radio interview following the firing and never gave a real reason for the change, let’s get two things straight: McDonough is a douche and he was looking for ANY reason to give the GM job to Stan Bowman (his handpicked predecessor) instead. After the firing, former Blackhawk forward Martin Havlat broke his silence and finally expanded on the short jabs he had been making at the organization via Twitter in an interview with TSN’s Darren Dreger by letting loose on McDonough and labeling him as a spotlight hungry, jealous and conniving deviant that is more concerned with slapping himself on the back then the future of the team. Unfortunately for Tallon, Havlat and Blackhawks fans McDonough may have just pulled a trifecta that could send the team back to the cellar in a few short years.

WordPress/Fanhouse

Here at The Sports Bank we know exactly what we are. We are a growing sports blog trying to carve out our niche. We celebrate every page view. Every single one. So we have been very curious over the last month or so when looking at our site stats in WordPress that we keep noticing that we are supposedly being linked to by an article on Fanhouse.com. Except when we click on the page that supposedly gives our upstart site some love, we find no links to The Sports Bank home page or any of our posts. So why the fake stat from WordPress? What kind of racket do they have with Fanhouse? Why get our hopes up by letting us think that one of our posts caught the eye of some of the big dogs and could generate some buzz? Does Fanhouse have an under the table agreement with WordPress in order to generate more original clicks and page views on their content? If I wanted an emotional roller coaster with a side of psychological torture I would have stayed in 9^th grade forever.

Tim McCarver

Anyone who watches baseball HAD to know this was coming. Anytime we get a little Tim McCarver in our lives we always end the day scratching our heads thinking, “…and why does he have a job again?”

We all know about the website that was dedicated to his uncanny ability to overstate the obvious or hypothesize an oxymoron, but during Tuesday night’s All Star Game he let out an all time gem that made me groan. In the 6^th inning, Orlando Hudson came to the plate. As McCarver discussed his recent prowess at the plate he mentioned Hudson’s feat of belting two homers on Sunday with the quote, “Hudson, a switch hitter, on Sunday hit two home runs, from both sides of the plate. One from the right side, one from the left.”

Now I’m not sure if Tim just had no clue when to shut up during that sentence or if he thought he was giving real insight to the audience. Personally, I think in his mind while he was talking he was thinking about table saws or something else just as mundane, but I have no answer why McCarver thought it necessary to add that last sentence. Maybe he was clarifying that Hudson didn’t hit the home runs from the front and back of home plate, or maybe he was just reminding the viewers at home that one plus one does in fact equal two.

“Brothers”

This call-out is a bit preemptive but I really want to be the first person to go on record to say what an awful idea it was to give Michael Strahan his own sitcom. Why do people who aren’t funny get their own shows? Does FOX really think that people are going to watch that show just because they recognize his name from watching football on Sundays? Who was the executive who was watching FOX NFL Sunday with all of those guys laughing at each other at unfunny jokes and honestly thought, “You know what, I want that gapped tooth fella to star in my show.” That guy needs to be a) fired and b) punched in the groin by 2,000 three year olds (because that is funny).

Mary Murphy

Oh God! If you don’t know who this lady is, thank your lucky stars. I’ve seen clips of her going batshit crazy on the ridiculously terrible show “So You Think You Can Dance” on the amazingly awesome show “The Soup” a couple times and I still can’t get the shrill unnecessary screams out of my nightmares. Murphy is supposedly some sort of dance expert (from my take, I’d say the only thing she is an expert on is mixing prescription drugs with Long Island Ice Teas) and was hired to be a judge of the dancers, but every time I see her tubby, triple face lifted mug on the screen all she does is scream. And then she screams some more. I’m not sure how well she pays those around her, but I have to imagine it is quite a bit to avoid them strangling every ounce of air out of her lungs to rid the world of her incoherent attempt to speak English (she’s from Ohio) and her ultra high decibel screaming.

Radio Stations that still play “Baby Got Back”

Alright, this is something that has been bugging me for nearly a decade. I remember in 1992 when the song “Baby Got Back” was popular. Every kid in my 5^th grade class knew all the words, we probably held onto the song about 3 months too long and then the song ran its course. Except without fail, for some unforeseen reason, the radio stations that play the Top 40 format still play the song at least once per day. For example here in Minnesota the station KDWB (101.3) plays the song everyday by demand of the station’s GM. Why on earth can’t we let this stupid song die? Since I was a senior in high school (2000) I have groaned every single time I’ve heard the song. These days the only people who enjoy the song are 40-something cougars who are trying to relive their early twenties, 10 year olds who think the song is funny and apparently douchey radio station GM’s who demand the song stays on the airwaves forever. I would ask the question what does Sir Mix-a-Lot have on so many radio executives to blackmail them with, but knowing the type of sleaze that a stereotypical radio exec is, I don’t want to know.

Honorable Mentions: Oklahoma City NBA Franchise, Brandon Inge, Jon Gosselin, Twins Pitching Staff, Nick Punto, Chicago Cubs

If you have a nomination for a call-out, please send them to thecallouts@gmail.com

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• The Call-Outs
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• The Call Outs
• The Call-Outs 2-12

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