Britney Spears Slutty New Video Causes National Hysteria

You’ve heard the phrase “you can’t buy publicity like that.”

And I’m sure that’s exactly what the management team of Ms. Britney Spears did on this one. Supposedly, Spears’ new video “Criminal” is just “so steamy” and “too hot for tv” and “pushes the envelope” blah blah blah, insert your own s”ex sells but this is soooooooooo avant garde” cliche here.

I can’t tell you what the video truly is, because you have to buy it in order to see it. (Sorry not going to link the download, not helping their sales) Brilliant marketing!  Get the video trending in all the search engines, pull it off any site that embedded it- then make it only available by purchase. (Releasing it close to Halloween, i.e. National Dress Like a Skank Day was a nice touch to the product rollout)

However, all this “hub bub” is only banal manufactured outrage.

Part of the plan is to get websites to write about those “steamy love scenes” and “naked shower scene” with her real life boyfriend. But again if you’ve already seen “Don’t Let me be the Last to Know” with her bikini and daisy duke cut-offs on the beach, her cover of Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative” (Lingerie Version) and “Womanizer” with the naked sauna scene- you’ve seen all the glory her tramp-stamped body can offer.

That’s the peak for her, she won’t look better than that.

I embedded all three below, since I wanted you the reader to come away with something, if not the “Criminal” video. (See even it’s name implies forbidden fruit to entice you into buying it) Spears really is one red hot southern fried redneck. Kind of like a trashier, female dumbed down version of Elvis Presley for our times. (Analogy complete with the later life mental meltdown and massive weight gain) Or maybe it’s our times that are just dumbed down?

Anyways, what else is she gonna be able to do in this new video that she hasn’t already done?

You can find fan mash-up videos set to the song everywhere online. You can even find the video, sans the juicy bits, on YouTube. But I warn you now the song is terrible!

It’s borderline unlistenable, and it’s about nothing more than a girl telling her mom about her dysfunctional bad boy complex. Her lyrics are the most trite of cliches because so many women have that paraphilia to criminals/guys that far beneath them in every dimension. It’s quite common.

Of course, any woman who has the bad boy complex past age 25 truly has chronic mental illness and/or severely low self-esteem. And given how that sentence describes a remarkably high percentage of the American female population, this video is going to be extremely popular! It’ll be a trending term for a long while!

Again brilliant marketing- it’s easy to reach people when you blatantly pander to their weaknesses and insecurities.

But enough talkin! Let’s git to dose slutty videos now!

Paul M. Banks is CEO of The Sports Bank.net, an official Google News site that generates millions of unique visitors. He’s also a regular contributor to Chicago Now, Walter Football.com, Yardbarker, and Fox Sports

He’s appeared on live radio all across the world from Houston to New Zealand. The President of the United States follows him on Twitter (@Paul_M_BanksTSB) You should too.

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