The Anti-Bracket: Kardashian Regional

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The Sports Bank’s third annual Anti-Bracket (formerly known as the Douchebracket) celebrates all that is wrong in the world, most prominently in the sports world.  Four regionals will chosen by an esteemed panel of TSB contributors.  With your input, the field will be narrowed down to a Final Four where our readers will choose the winner of the 2011 Anti-Bracket.

Past winners of the this Regional include Notre Dame football fans with absolutely zero connection to the school and the Chicago Bears Media Relations Department .  BOTH WENT ON TO BECOME CHAMPIONS OF THE OVERALL BRACKET!

Help me figure who will earn that honored distinction this season by leaving a comment below as to who you think needs to advance to the Final Four. And a 3-peat??!!!

By Paul M. Banks

britney-spears

#1 Chicago Blackhawks Media Relations

It appears the Hawks felt they need to out-douche and out-insufferable bastard the Bears PR department. Except this is more pathetic because…YOU ARE A HOCKEY TEAM. I love hockey, especially live, but the NHL doesn’t even come fourth in America, it comes a distant sixth or seventh these days- and that’s being generous. It’s not hockey’s fault, it’s Gary Bettman’s fault, but that’s another bracket for another time.

In 2008, when I started covering the team, no one gave a shit about the Hawks in this town. There were literally three other journos there with me. Now that they became trendy and won a Stanley Cup, they act like an ugly girl who got hot and grew boobs one high school summer- then comes back to school to get back at every guy who made fun of her. The Hawks Media Relations literally began to believe their shit didn’t stink and started rejecting ESPN Page 2 for media credentials and throwing out guys who covered the team for 27 years.

Karma’s a bitch (maybe that’s why the team turned a massive financial loss in a year they led the league in attendance, merchandise sales and won the Cup) and your irrelevance will soon return. Don’t expect the media to return when your $400 face value tickets see you drawing 4,000 fans a game again.

Vs.

#16   Valentine’s Day Commercials/Khloe Kardashian (Play-in winner)

Okay, so apparently every woman on Earth is extremely impressed by a small shiny object, and can be purchased for life at a set price (which is apparently=1/3 of a man’s annual salary). That’s what these commercials tell us. SORRY, I don’t believe that. I’m too wholesome, optimistic and idealistic about the fairer sex to believe that all women are really that shallow, superficial, materialistic and simplistic. My ex truly is. But she’s one special white trash redneck basket case. She doesn’t represent the general population. As for Khloe, I hope I didn’t break your computer screen with that picture. I’m assuming she played the “Predator” alien in all those movies, because when it took its mask off, it’s face was a dead ringer for hers. For husband Lamar Odom’s sake, I truly hope he envisions anyone else but her when he has sex.

sheen

#8 Women who enter relationships with Charlie Sheen

How self-hating and/or dumb you have to be to get involved with Charlie Sheen? I’ll let Anna Holmes in the New York Times take it from here:

And while his self-abuses are endlessly discussed, his abuse of women is barely broached.

Our inertia is not for lack of evidence. In 1990, he accidentally shot his fiancée at the time, the actress Kelly Preston, in the arm. (The engagement ended soon after.) In 1994 he was sued by a college student who alleged that he struck her in the head after she declined to have sex with him. (The case was settled out of court.) Two years later, a sex film actress, Brittany Ashland, said she had been thrown to the floor of Mr. Sheen’s Los Angeles house during a fight. (He pleaded no contest and paid a fine.)

In 2006, his wife at the time, the actress Denise Richards, filed a restraining order against him, saying Mr. Sheen had shoved and threatened to kill her. In December 2009, Mr. Sheen’s third wife, Brooke Mueller, a real-estate executive, called 911 after Mr. Sheen held a knife to her throat. (He pleaded guilty and was placed on probation.) Last October, another actress in sex films, Capri Anderson, locked herself in a Plaza Hotel bathroom after Mr. Sheen went on a rampage. (Ms. Anderson filed a criminal complaint but no arrest was made.) And on Tuesday, Ms. Mueller requested a temporary restraining order against her former husband, alleging that he had threatened to cut her head off, “put it in a box and send it to your mom.” (The order was granted, and the couple’s twin sons were quickly removed from his home.) “Lies,” Mr. Sheen told People magazine.

So clearly there’s a trend here.

Vs.

#9 Referring to skankiness as “female empowerment.”

Christina Aguilera, Pussy Cat Dolls, Britney Spears etc. They’re basically strippers with a decent voice and recording contracts; and these are today’s role models for young women. What could go wrong here?

And the role models of the role models? prostitutes and porn stars, basically anyone who’s job it is to feign sexual interest for money. So we’re going to get our ideas on sex and sexuality from a segment of the population that is 90% comprised of victims of sexual abuse and sexual assault- whose only view of sex is twisted, commodied, or maybe even corporatized. Yeah, can’t see any trouble coming from this. While we’re at it, why don’t we make sure that every fire department in America is run by a serial arsonist?

All of these women refer to their public sluttiness as “empowering,” or “female empowerment.” I just explained why that’s exceedingly bullshit above.

christina-aguilera

#4 People who text me when I’m driving to meet them

I’m pretty sure, you’ll just have to wait till I reach a stop light, or are in park to get a reply, if I even decide to give you one. Cuz that whole not-dying thing is way more important than “ur” “where r u?” “what time u getting here?”

Vs.

#13 Lebron James’ Handlers

“What should I do?” What should I do?”

Not be a narcisstic jackass.

Not listen to bottom-feeding leeches, and hire professionals instead.

Not devote last summer to setting up an egocentric publicity stunt that cock-teased an entire fansbase and then crushed their dreams.

Stop listening to idiots. including me cuz what do I know? Grow up and figure things out for yourself.

LeBron Heat

#5 People who send 5 two-word texts instead of one full text (ex: TSB Writer Paul Schmidt)

WTF? is your problem? Why can’t you cram all 6 of your words into one text? TSB contributor and media relations director Paul Schmidt is the first offender that comes to mind (I hate to single him out- oh wait, no I don’t) but there are millions out there who do this.

Vs.

#12 BTN Analyst Tim Doyle

“Shurna is Johnny Ca$h”….”right now Ohio State is like the Kardashians, they’re getting everything they want,” “Mr Jones and me” (a Counting Crows reference to Penn State’s Andrew Jones). That’s a collection of catch-phrases and sayings from the Big Ten Network’s Tim Doyle. Ready to throw up yet? Try watching a full game he broadcasts- and leave the sound on, something I never do. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I’m sure he’s a great person in general. It’s just his on-the-air work is….well you know how #12s always upset the #5s?

#2 Playing “I got a feeling” at sporting events

EVERY sporting event since 2009 feels the need to play this Black-eyed peas crapola! No one actually likes this song do they? There really isn’t someone that lame on this planet is there? If I were president, and someone assassinated Will.I.Am, I would make sure they were pardoned and later a Medal of Freedom Recipient. What’s scary is that DJ Khaled’s “All I do is win” is coming dangerously close to this same territory. One atrocious and mind-numbingly overplayed pop song is bad enough, I can’t stomach two.

Vs.

snooks

#15 Books by “Jersey Shore” cast members

How the fuck does The Situation have a book? He, like the rest of the people on this show, can’t even read or form a complete sentence, and they’re going to pen a….how many ghost writers did it take to finish this gig?

In a semi-related note, watch the time capsule classic film “Saturday Night Fever” and then an episode of “Jersey Shore.” It’s amazing how closely matched one generation of meatheads is to their offspring.

#7. Northwestern’s “5 NIT Appearances” banner in Welsh-Ryan Arena

I guess it’s six now! Sorry, if you’re going to become a big boy program, you can’t hang banners like these. The only one worse is the NU baseball banner which says “15 Big Ten pitching leaders.” When I was in little league, if you sucked they stuck out in right field where no one ever hit the ball, only let you play three innings and batted you 13th in the order. And that’s they way it should be. Not everyone should get a trophy- that’s why they’re trophies.

vs.

#10 The constant use of :)  and ;) (another ex: TSB Writer Paul Schmidt)

For the longest time I seriously thought this flirting. Only because I could not for the life of me figure out what it was for, other than just being retarded. Every single woman I’ve come in contact does this- even my lawyer, PR flaks, it’s omnipresent in all my business emails and texts from women. So I realize it wasn’t a professional thing. But I figured not every single woman I talk to wants to sleep with me- I’m not that deluded. And I’m arrogant, but nowhere near that arrogant. Schmidt informed me that it’s not flirting and now he sends me texts with these things in them. Worse yet he’s a guy and he does it, WORSE YET- he sent me a text yesterday that was nothing but a :)!

I think the Miller Lite commercial making fun of this trend has its heart in the right place. But they dropped the ball. Instead of a dude at a football game, it should show a guy at his screen.

#3 MLB’s View of Internet Media

There’s a reason you see so many Cialis and Viagra commercials during Major League Baseball telecasts- it’s pretty much the only demographic they have left!

MLB is dying among the youth crowd for one simple reason: it’s failure to join the rest of the 20th century when it comes to coexisting with internet media.

I hate the term “new media,” or even “internet media” for that matter, because the web is the only medium growing while every other medium is dwindling or dying out. Yet baseball still has a clause in their collective bargaining agreement prohibiting media access for representatives of web sites or blogs. Why? Because they don’t want any video highlights of any game getting posted anywhere other than the prescription service they want you to purchase. They also want their site to be the ONLY source of internet coverage.

Take a look at page 205 of the CBA, (which would actually be page 217 in this pdf) which discusses club media regulations. You’ll notice the very first point mentions “press, radio and television” and absolutely nothing about the world wide web.

Pretty much sums it up. But here’s how it affects you the fan, and kills their own product in the process:

Vs.

#14 “This is for all the Tostitos”

Is there anything that can’t be bought/sold? Remember this horseshit uttered by Musburger in the national title game?

sarah palin

#6 Bachmann-Palin-O’Donnell GOPILF Troika

Canadian rock in the 1970s had Bachmann-Turner-Overdrive, the GOP has three semi-retarded but extremely hot for a politician “leaders.” All three are very cougarlicious, until they open their mouths. Minorities hate them. And for good reason, because what all three stands for holds minorities back. Women hate them. And for good reason, as this triad is setting an entire gender back. Mild conservatives hate them. And for good reason cuz they’re besmirching the name of their political party. So who actually likes them? Horny dumbshit redneck wing-nuts. That’s it. At least the witch of breastwick has gone away, and Palin seems to be too stupid for even the most low-brow of political talk shows, so she’s on her way out. Now we just need to finish off Michelle in Minnesota.

Vs.

#11 Facebook personal life chroniclers

This is actually a hybrid of two distinct groups. (Although Venn Diagrams often show a large area of overlap in these two subsets). Change your relationship status and the biggest losers you’re Facebook “friends” with will come out of the woodwork to say the most mind-numbingly stupid things possible. Bear in mind these are the same idiots who you haven’t seen in three years, or met a grand total of twice. Yet feel the need to chime in on your personal life. Because they have no lives.

The other group are those who whine about how evil men are in their status updates and how innocent they are on their facebook wall. Oh the poor victims. And the meathead morons who vent their baby mama drama on their ex-girlfriend’s Facebook wall. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy? You all suck, and you make a bad episode of Jerry Springer look high-brow by comparison.  

(Bubble burst: First Four Out)

Comparing everything and everyone to Hitler/Nazis

“It is what it is”

charging the media for food and/or parking

Non Talor Battle PSU Basketball players (it’s why DeChellis is holding him so close in the pic)


Written by Paul M. Banks, President and CEO of The Sports Bank.net, a Midwest webzine. He’s also a regular contributor to Chicago Now, the Tribune’s blog network, Walter Football, Yardbarker Network, and Fox Sports

He does a weekly radio segment on Chicagoland Sports Radio.com and Cleveland.com

You can follow him on Twitter @thesportsbank


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