They may have the money, the fame, the supermodel girlfriends and the multi-million pound mansions in London. They’ve travelled across the world and brought joy to everyone from Manchester to Marrakesh.
Yes, the modern Premier League footballer has truly hit the jackpot in life, like those who take their chance on games at Vernons. But take solace from this: some of them have got really, really silly, bizarre or quite frankly rude names.
Even if their first name and surname are largely unremarkable, there have been some middle names that have clearly hit the back of the net. Swansea midfielder Ashley Darel Jazz Richards sounds cool, classy and crazy at the same time.
It’s probably perfectly normal in Iceland, but we couldn’t pronounce igNorse Gylfi Thor Sigurdsson correctly even if our lives depended on it. Teenage Chelsea prodigy Kurt Happy Zouma won’t live up to his name while stuck on the bench. Glen McLeod Cooper Johnson seems to have a Scottish gamekeeper trapped inside his first and last names. Jack Frank Porteous Cork could be a classical composer. There’s something ugly about Daniel Munthe Agger’s middle name, and just something hilarious about Jermain Colin Defoe.
For more names with a difference, check out this fresh list of beauties from the Independent.
And while the Premier League is now bereft of some of these classics, it’s still worth taking a look back: Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey possesses a middle moniker almost as powerful as one of his wayward shots, while Roy Maurice Keane must be glad that his parents didn’t decide to swap his first two names around. Others of note include Titus Malachi Bramble, Dwight Eversley Yorke, and ‘The Guvnor’ – Paul Emerson Carlyle Ince.
One special mention must also be made of Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway – otherwise known as Charlie Oatway. The current Sunderland coach was named after the scintillating QPR line-up of 1973.
On the opening day of the Premier League back in August 1992 there were a mere 13 non-British players who took to the pitches across the country. Since then the multicultural, multilingual, cosmopolitan world of the league has brought a wealth of talent to our shores.
Some of their names may be perfectly innocent in their native tongue but push the boundaries a little bit in English. We scoured the footballing annals for a list of rude Premier League names: look away now if you don’t want to know the result.
Dutch winger Brian Pinas failed to ever play a game for Newcastle. David Goodwillie and Danny Shittu both graced the Premier League relatively recently. Bernt Haas was a regular for West Bromwich Albion and Sunderland with a fiery temper, and Dean Windass could blow hot and cold. Rafael Scheidt played badly north of the border, Paul Dickov was not a universally-liked player, and of course who can forget good old David Seaman? The UK has not cornered the market – here’s the Mirror’s self-confessed infantile scan of other naughty names.
Unfortunately the Premier League missed out on some of the all-time great footballing names: the Australian goalkeeper Norman Conquest, and African stars such as Danger Fourpence, Naughty Mokoena, Bongo Christ and Stephen Sunny Sunday. Brazil has somewhat cornered the market on cool names from marksman Creedence Clearwater Couto to the defensive midfielder Mozart, to …Fred.
Football – truly the (unusually-named) people’s game.