Iowa Hawkeyes fan Samantha Goudie is why terrorists hate America


samantha-goudie

You may have heard of Samantha Goudie. And you may know Samantha Goudie has an association with the Iowa Hawkeyes and the number .341

That’s not a batting average!

And she’s not on the softball team.

That was her BAC. (Was it accurate? Seems fishy)

This is what a .341 does to you, according to the Federal Aviation Administration

She’s the #1 “partyer” at the #1 party school. She’s like a female version of that Bert guy from Florida State in the ’90s. (The frat guy Rolling Stone did a feature on. His campaign speech to be Alpha Tau Omega President was just him getting naked and having a bowel movement in a pizza box)

samantha-goudie

According to the University of Iowa Police report, Samantha Goudie was arrested at the home of Iowa Hawkeyes football for:

“Public Intox at Kinnick Stadium at 1321 hours. Goudie was stopped for trying to enter the field. Goudie was unsteady on her feet. Goudie blew .341 PBT.”

samantha-goudie

What’s frightening is that she was able to stand somehow at .341. And she supposedly stormed the Iowa Hawkeyes playing field during their upset loss to Northern Illinois. And now Deadspin made her a star. And the rest of the internet followed suit (including myself now apparently since I’m writing this).

Well, move over Rebecca Martinson, (University of Maryland Delta Gamma with the INSANE rambling hostile email and racist Tweets, and later was forced to resign), there’s a new Big Ten conference co-ed who is famous for doing nothing. Well, not famous for doing nothing.

Famous for doing the wrong things.

Samantha Goudie is on Twitter, with a handle that includes the word vodka (SURPRISE). If you saw some of her past tweets, you can see why Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah and the Mujahideen etc. hate America. Because America is where Samantha Goudie not only exists, but has also become an internet celebrity.

Samantha-goudie

And yes, that’s really her Profile picture. And yes, that’s really her background pic. Some sports blogs have embedded some of her choicest Tweets, but it will take you like three weeks to scroll through her timeline now because she just keeps re-tweeting other people kissing her ass online, and it clogs up her timeline.

Paul M. Banks is the owner of The Sports Bank.net, an affiliate of Fox Sports. An analyst for 95.7 The Fan, he also writes on Chicago sports media for Chicago Now. President Obama follows him on Twitter (@paulmbanks)

Comments

  1. The thing about these party hard girls is that they eventually end up looking like Lisa Robin Kelly. Partying speeds up the clock towards ugliness. Enjoy it while its fun.

  2. paulmbanks says:

    The actual reason they hate us is 1.) having our military bases/dominant presence in their countries 2.) our financial and military support for Israel, a nation who’s mere existence offends them.

    That said, the fact that our culture makes people like this a star is pretty disgusting and offensive. And worthy of every bit of hyperbole that I used with the headline