Weekly Jay Cutler DON’T CARE Awards 7-25-14

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Welcome to the second ever edition of “The Cuttys,” or the Jay Cutler DON’T CARE awards. They simply honor, as a Facebook commenter put it: “all the non-news that’s fit to delete.”

Or more literally:  “all the terrible attempts at creating news, that I instantly deleted.”

All media members receive dozens of press releases and story pitches from publicists, Sports Information Departments, Media Relations and PR people every week. These ten were the most utterly asinine and completely worthless among the batch that I received this week.

They are in no particular order, until #1, which “won” the week. And as always, in case you missed it, here’s how these awards got named.

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10. Jimmy John’s is partnering with Jimmie Johnson

Oh it’s SO CLEVER!!! What a natural fit. This is product placement, NOT news. Unless you’re Darren Rovell who does pretty much nothing but shill. Rovell probably masturbated to this press release. Johnson is also pretty corporate himself. He’s so vanilla a soundbite, that he’s every corporation’s wet dream as a sponsor. Which is why NASCAR (probably) fixes so many races for him….so say the conspiracy theorists.

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9. NABC  Honors Court

I have no idea what the hell this is, but like five different college basketball programs sent out press releases about their players winning this. Sports fans and news consumers DO NOT CARE about awards. PERIOD.

I cannot stress this enough.

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8. Notre Dame football Sports Information Department

I’ve actually been kicked off their mailing list (probably because I do things like this segment…I’m sure Ohio State will be next to give me the boot), but I can guarantee you they sent out something pointless and stupid this week. Because when I was on it I saw firsthand how they operate. They sent out entire press releases for:

-Sports Illustrated doing a story on Manti Teo

-the coaches wives going on a Florida outlet mall shopping trip

-quarterly weather reports from the Sun Bowl in El Paso!

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7. Disney/ABC/ESPN gave us this atrocity. Which isn’t even written in English. It’s completely in meaningless corporate buzzword

Even if you could translate this into actual normal everyday English, who would actually care? No need to read the whole thing, you’ll get the idea in the first couple sentences:

TTC to add Full Suite of Authenticated WATCH Services, Video-On-Demand Products,Longhorn Network, ESPN Goal Line, ESPN Buzzer Beater and Upcoming SEC Network

MEMPHIS,TN and BRISTOL, CT –– JULY 16, 2014 –– The National Telco Television Consortium (NTTC) and The Walt Disney Company (NYSE: DIS) today announced a comprehensive multi-year distribution agreement to deliver Disney’s robust lineup of top quality sports, news and entertainment content to NTTC members’ customers across TVs, computers, smartphones, tablets, gaming consoles and connected devices. The telecommunications consortium serves member systems throughout the United States.

“The entire suite of Disney and ESPN services are a mainstay in our members’ video offerings.  With all of the new additions including the highly sought after SEC Network, Longhorn Network, WATCH Services, increased HD and specialty programming like ESPN Goal Line and ESPN Buzzer Beater, we are confident that our members are positioned to continue to be highly competitive in their respective markets across the United States,” said Kevin Kenworthy, Executive Vice President, Programming, National Telco Television Consortium.

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Added David Preschlack, Executive Vice President, Affiliate Sales and Marketing, Disney & ESPN Networks Group: “We continue to work with a variety of distribution partners to deliver quality content and services that add value to the multichannel video subscription.  With this new multi-year renewal deal, not only will the customers of the NTTC member companies be able to access our content anytime, anywhere across any device with our WATCH products, but they will also receive a slate of new services including video-on-demand, Fusion, Longhorn Network, ESPN Goal Line, ESPN Buzzer Beater and the upcoming, highly-anticipated SEC Network debut on August 14.”

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As part of the new multi-year deal, the NTTC will introduce several new services, including the full suite of authenticated WATCH products, the upcoming SEC Network, Longhorn Network, ESPN Goal Line, ESPN Buzzer Beater and video-on-demand products.  Services that will continue to be covered by the broad scope of this agreement include: ABC Family, Disney Channel, Disney Junior, Disney XD, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN Deportes, ESPNEWS, ESPN Classic, ESPN3 and Fusion.

NTTC members’ customers will receive broad access to existing authenticated products like WATCH ABC authenticated on-demand content, WATCH ABC Family, WATCH Disney Channel, WATCH Disney Junior, WATCH Disney XD and WatchESPN (ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN3, ESPNU, ESPN Goal Line and ESPN Buzzer Beater) through the networks’ own WATCH sites and apps. These products will give NTTC members’ customers more opportunities to access live and video on demand content, both in-home and out-of-home, on their computers, smartphones, tablets, gaming consoles and connected devices.

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6. NBC Sports makes sure you’re covered for the Hungarian Grand Prix

Here’s the beginning (I’ll spare you the horror of the entire thing):

NBC Sports Group presents more than 30 hours of motorsports coverage this weekend across NBC, NBCSN, CNBC and NBC Sports Live Extra, highlighted by CNBC’s live presentation of the Formula One Hungarian Grand Prix on Sunday at 7:30 a.m. ET

 NBC Sports Group’s extensive motorsports coverage also includes Red Bull Globall RallyCross and Red Bull Hare Scramble action on NBC on Saturday, Mecum Auctions coverage from Harrisburg on NBCSN starting today, and the Lucas Oil Pro Motocross Washougal National on Saturday across NBCSN and NBC Sports Live Extra.

 NBC Sports Live Extra – NBC Sports Group’s live streaming product for desktops, mobile devices, and tablets – will stream F1, Red Bull Global RallyCross, Mecum Auctions and Lucas Oil Pro Motocross events this weekend

5. College football preseason award watch lists

After three weeks, this awful plague is now over…for another year. I ripped on these things and gave some NU football analysis Tuesday on KOZN 1620 The Zone Omaha. Now I’m not coming down on the SIDs for these meaningless watch list press releases. Don’t shoot the messenger.

The SID is not the one responsible for the abomination that is preseason award watch lists. It’s the Football Writers Association of America, they command the schools to distribute these perfect examples of “the everyone gets a trophy” generation. CC Tom Izzo

Basically a preseason award watch list, which are often 50-60 names long, are like freshmen college students being “pre-med” or “pre-law.”

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4.CBS Sports knows how much you care about Canadian golf

Again, I’m just subjecting you to a snippet.

The RBC CANADIAN OPEN, Canada’s national championship, moves to Royal Montreal Golf Club in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. With only four weeks remaining before the start of the FedExCup Playoffs, once again the RBC Canadian Open will once again play a pivotal role in the making of the Playoff field.  CBS Sports covers all the action broadcasting the third and final rounds on Saturday, July 26 and Sunday, July 27 (3:00-6:00 PM, ET, both days), live on the CBS Television Network

Editor’s note: to be fair, I’ll try to include one, and just one from each of the big four sports media networks (ESPN, NBC, CBS and FOX) every week. This will get difficult though as ESPN actually sends out a much higher number of releases everyday/week and therefore is more prone to sending out Cutty Award fodder.

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3. FOX Sports will satisfy your urge to spend 23 hours watching an auto auction

The intro paragraph just grips you:

Bob Varsha leads a seven-member broadcast team as FOX Sports delivers 23 hours of live, multi-platform coverage across three networks from the Second Annual Hot August Nights Auction presented by Barrett-Jackson in Reno, Nev., beginning Thursday, July 31 (7:00 PM ET) on FOX Sports 1.

 “The evolution of car collecting into a mainstream hobby has been accelerated by our live television coverage over the years,” said Craig Jackson, chairman and CEO of Barrett-Jackson. “Our broadcasts give consignors the largest possible market for their cars while providing bidders unprecedented access to the best vehicle selection possible. Once people sample Barrett-Jackson automotive lifestyle experiences from the comfort of their living room on FOX Sports, they want to enjoy the full throttle events in person.”

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 2. This one didn’t go to me, but a friend of mine. I redacted the names, but notice the completely clueless and ignorant responses by the publicist. Someone is really terrible at their job

The initial pitch:
Hi,
 
I hope this email finds you well. According to a recent study conducted by Fortune Magazine and gyro, a global ad agency with offices in Chicago,  business executives say they rely heavily on instinct and gut feelings to make decisions rather than focusing solely on big data.
 
The study surveyed 720 senior executives about the role of emotion in business decision-making and some of the findings are quite surprising.
  • 62% of business leaders say they tend to trust their gut over big data 
  • 61% say real-world insight tops hard analytics when making decisions 
  • 65% say their responses to competing proposals are based on subjective or soft factors, such as company culture and corporate values, rather than quantitative data 
I invite you to take a deeper dive into the release included below. 
 
Please let me know if you think this would be of interest for your publication. In addition, I would be happy to send along the full survey results and an accompanying infographic. Mike Hensley, executive vice president and managing director of gyro’s Chicago office is also available to speak with you about the findings.
 
Regards,
The follow up:
Hi,
 
Wondering if the below is of your interest, please let me know.
 
Thanks,
The journalist’s response:
Dude, you literally just sent me this pitch yesterday…
Her response:
Indeed, we are just too excited to share the findings over here. No rush, a thousand pardons. 
Take your time and holler if you are interested in seeing the full survey results or info graphic-happy to share. ;)
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1. Grantland/ESPN 30 for 30 Shorts

 30 for 30 Shorts: “The High Five” premieres today on Grantland.com

Digital film tells the story of Glenn Burke and his “invention” of the high five gesture
In what universe would this be interesting/worthy of a film/considered news? You made a short film about this and did research? No one cares beyond the length of a tweet who invented the high five. Not even the most philosophical stoners alive at the moment that they’re most baked.
“Dude, what if had six fingers, and gave out high-sixes.”
DISHONORABLE MENTION: SEC Network, Alabama football sending out numerous press releases about SEC Network partnerships with XFinity, Brighthouse Networks, COX, other immoral cable companies that have regional monopolies. American Express/WNBA holding some stupid WNBA All-Star game roundtable
Paul M. Banks owns The Sports Bank.net, an affiliate of Fox Sports and Yahoo! He’s been a guest on news talk shows all across the world. He’s also a special contributor to the Chicago Tribune RedEye edition. Banks has been featured in numerous media outlets including NFL.com, Forbes, Bleacher Report, Deadspin, ESPNNBCCBS, the History Channel and more. Follow him on Twitter (@paulmbanks)
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