By Paul M. Banks
If there’s one word I think describes Comerica Park, it’s “distraction.†The new park distracted Detroiters from the fact that the old Tiger Stadium remained vacant and standing for eight years after the Tigers moved into the new building. All the sideshows and ancillary ballgame activities here distract the fan from the horrible play of their home team for the first six years of Comerica’s existence. And the fountain in center field sold out to General Motors, with two GM vehicles sitting there at all times, is somehow supposed to distract you from the depressed state of Detroit and its economy.
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Restoring the Roar
This franchise actually has quite a bit of history. They were the last World Series victim of the Cubs a hundred years ago. And the last time the Cubs made it to the Fall Classic in 1945, the Tigers denied the Cubbies a ring. Of course, the 90s and oughties were quite unkind to the Tigers. They came back to life in 2006, capturing the American League pennant, but they reverted back to usual form this season.
Outside the main entrance to the stadium there is a snarling tiger statue approximately 15 high. Eight other giant-sized tiger statues roam (in place) the park, including two prowling on top of the scoreboard in left field. The “eyes of the tiger†light up after a Tigers home run or victory; accompanied by a growling sound effect. (Just like at Northwestern or Penn St. home games) If the Big Cat theme still isn’t prominent enough for you, the brick walls outside of the park feature thirty-three tiger heads with lighted baseballs in their mouths. ROAR!!! GRRRRR!!! I think this park was built by Tony the Tiger from Frosted Flakes. Hey, the “Cereal City†tourist attractions are located just a few hours away in Battlecreek, home of the Kellogg Corporation.
Along the left-center field concourse there are statues of all the players whose numbers have been retired by the Tigers, including: Al Kaline, Charlie Gehringer, Hal Newhouser, Willie Horton (not the guy from the infamous Anti-Dukakis smear campaign in 1988) and Hank Greenberg. A statue of infamous bigot and historical jackass Ty Cobb is also located there, but he does not have a number because players didn’t wear numbers in his day. One of my favorite features of this field is a distinctive dirt strip between home plate and the pitcher’s mound. (Just in case the catcher gets lost trying to find his hurler for a conference.) The dirt path was a common staple of early ballparks, but only this one and Chase Field in Phoenix retain it.
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“Driven†to Distraction
The Pepsi Porch can be reached by balls jumping off the bats of only the best (or most HGH enhanced) left-handed hitters. It also features “Kaline’s Corner.†As you walk the concourses, you’ll see memorabilia from each era in Tigers baseball in clusters. Each collection features vintage wheels (complete with retro hubcaps) from the era being depicted. The Red Wings and Pistons pay homage to the Motor City in their logos and team name respectively. The big kitties across the street (Detroit Lions) do show in their Home Stadium. The baseball club does so with this endeavor.
Comerica Park faces south, with a good view of the downtown skyline, but remember this skyline ain’t exactly Manhattan. Or Chicago. Or even Frankfurt, Germany. However, most of the burned out looking and abandoned buildings in Detroit are further south of the park, so you won’t see them. Whatever it is this stadium is trying to distract you from, (if they are in fact trying to distract you from something here), it has prompted baseball purists to criticize the amount of non-baseball attractions at the park, starting with the Ferris wheel and Merry-go-round. And they make a strong case when you consider that these features are the most memorable aspect of the ballgame experience. The GM Fountains behind center field are set off whenever the Tigers score, and also between innings. The water show is also played pre-game and post-game, and set to music. To quote Carl Spackler in Caddyshack, “so it’s got that going for it, which is nice.â€
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Motor City Culture
For many, the thought of vacationing to Detroit reminds me of this clip from 1977’s Kentucky Fried Movie:
In my opinion, Chris Rock is to stand-up comedy what Michael Phelps is to swimming. His social critique is so hilarious and intelligent at the same time…he may just be the philosopher-king of our era. And I’m proud to say that I saw him twice (2003 and 2008) in Detroit at the Fox Theatre across the street from Comerica. At the most recent show, he did a routine with ideals that summarize the city of Detroit and life in general.
“The more shit you have the less shit you can say. Fat girls have a right to criticize skinny girls all they want, but not the other way around. Poor men can criticize rich men all they want, but the reverse is not true, because that would just be very mean.â€
So when you rip on Detroit, remember that’s just mean. It’s been overdone. Yes, it’s tragic and comedic at the same time. But the death of our domestic auto industry, American manufacturing in general, and the lowered standard of living within the cities that depend on them are really not things to degrade and laugh at anymore. But Detroit actually is not as bad as you think it is…at least in Foxtown. The neighborhood named after the Fox Theatre is the city’s main downtown entertainment district and features the State Theatre, Ford Field, the home of the Lions and numerous sports bars and restaurants. During the Super Bowl, the venues here served as media headquarters.
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Everybody’s All-Canadian
There are few places on Earth more exciting than a border town. When I was a teenager I once went on a day trip from San Diego to Tijuana with my mother. When roaming the streets, I eventually got separated from my mom by a few yards. Then one of Tijuana’s aggressive prostitutes approached me. If there’s one thing with limitless comedic potential, it’s having a hooker try to hard sell you while your mother is about ten feet away. A place like this lies just across the river in Windsor, Ontario. Take the Detroit-Windsor tunnel or the Ambassador Bridge to experience one of the most interesting places in this galaxy. Sort of. I once saw a Second City show in Toronto, and they had a sketch featuring four guys saying “yeah, we’re going to rock Windsor! We’re going to make this bachelor party the wildest party this town has ever seen.†It seemed like a pretty hilarious idea; maybe because it’s so specific. Windsor certainly does have all the trappings of a “Sin City,†and if/when I get married, I may just have to live out that stage comedy sketch. (On the weekend the Bears play at Detroit of course) With the town’s 19 year old bar age, who knows the heights of drunken idiocy that has passed over and under those international waters over time. After your ballpark experience, I suggest converting your dollars into “two-neys†and “looneys†and fleeing to Canada.
 
That “take him to Detroit” clip is hilarious! good stuff. All the tigers all over the place reminds me of the Cincinnati Bengals field for some reason. with all the stripes and tiger eyes everywhere