Cubs vs. White Sox Exchange

All-city 1st Place War of Words between Soxman and Seymour Pennants
 

What happens when the 100-year old crotchety Cub fan Seymour Pennants meets Southside Super Hero Soxman? White socks get dirty, Depends undergarments need changing and curses fly as the city braces for an intercity series between two first place teams…for the first time in the history of inter-league play!
 
(Seymour) Yo Soxman!  How can you watch baseball in that penitentiary on the south side?  Of course, it’s called The CELL, the food tastes like jail food, and the women look like prison guards.  Thank goodness the inmates are playing decent ball, because it’s such a god awful boring stadium.  When are they going to start classic first edition book night, where they give away used copies of War & Peace?
 

 (SM) Seymour, it is Wrigley Field that needs to give away used copies of War and Peace for fanny padding sitting on those uncomfortable steel bleacher seats.  Is the Cell a penitentiary?  Heck no!  It is an insane asylum because it is a home to the craziest, most dedicated fans in Chicago! Our stadium is boring?  The most exciting thing about Wrigley beyond the surgically enhanced eye-candy is re-enacting the 80’s Atari hit game “Pitfall,” by dodging falling pieces of the stadium and jumping over urine puddles in the leaky horse troughs they call restrooms.
 
The Cell has an awesome viewing deck, an exploding scoreboard that shows video replays, a killer sound system, and awesome in-game promotions like the Chicago Black Hawks Shoot Out and the Connie’s Pizza Race!  Wrigley Field has…IVY.  It’s so fun to watch it grow!    

(Seymour)  On the other hand, you could be watching the country’s winningest team in a garden of Eden (I prefer Garden of Eating), with the best dogs in Chicago, a cool gentle breeze blowing in from the lakefront, and watch girls in bikinis sunbathing.  The only thing that could be better would be if they served prime Rib at Wrigley (Hey Mark Cuban…take notes).  Wrigley Field is not only the best place to watch baseball, it’s a beach party with a baseball game going on in the background.  And not just any baseball game…the best team in the country!  And where else can you relieve your pent up Budweiser in a classic horse trough these days?

 

(SM) The Sox would be the best team in baseball if we played in the weak NL Central as evident by our week-long thrashing of the Pirates. Alas we are both in first place going into this weekend’s series.  You gotta love that! The Cubs have the second best team bating average in MLB (.282) while the Sox have the best ERA (3.34) so this series should be one heck of a battle.
 
As it relates to food, perhaps you are having digestive problems.  The Cell buries Wrigley field in the quality department.  There is nothing like the smell of freshly grilled kosher dogs, true fresh roasted peanuts, or our famous Mexican corn!  If you like alcoholic beverages we burry the Bud by offering Beers of the World, vodka lemonades and frozen margaritas!
 
Prime Rib?  Sorry Seymour the Sox have that as well.  Just buy a scout seat for game and you are served a pre-game buffet, including prime rib, on fine linens in the VIP restaurant! Last time I saw you at one of those troughs, you weren’t relieving yourself in it, but your thirst did appear to be quenched.
 

(Seymour) Ahhhhhhh … The beautiful women of Wrigley…sure you’ve got women like the lovely and talented Sarah Spain hanging out at Wrigley, but best yet…  Dutchie Caray, that hot piece of ass!   Dutchie, invite old Seymour up to your skybox, and I’ll remind you what it feels like to be a woman (video to be released on http://Since1908Clothing.com/  Invite old Seymour up, and I’ll drink Budweiser out of your shoe.  Dutchie, have you ever had a Father’s Day Par King open mini putt-putt senior tournament champ before?  HA!  I didn’t think so….you’re in for a treat, Dutchie!
 

(SM) It’s no secret that female Cubs fans are Soxman’s kryptonite, but that’s not to say the Southside Soxybacks don’t provide one heck of a wow factor in their own right!
 Dutchie is a cute lady my viagraless villain, so I’ll just leave that fantasy to you.
 As much as I admire the assets of the Lincoln Park Trixies of Wrigleyville, I’d take the Soxyback any day of the week.  Our female fans have the bodies, and the sass to back it up!  I don’t need a newspaper survey to tell me that! 
 

(Seymour) Finally, when you leave the game, you have Chicago’s best restaurants and nightlife at your doorstep.  When you leave the Cell, you have the Robert Taylor Homes at your doorstep.  At Wrigley, you can actually park your car on the street, and know it’ll still be there after the game (ok, maybe with a ticket, but at least it’s still there).  You can walk to your car without being mugged.

 
(SM) Seymour, you really need to put the 1980’s Chicago Crime Report in the recycling bin and get with the times.  The Robert Taylor Homes have been leveled for years and are being replaced by million dollar homes. What is actually across the street is the Illinois Department of Traffic building, exciting no? but definitely not crime-stricken either. Well maybe white-collar crime. There is great security everywhere before and after the game with a police station a mere three blocks away.  Sure there are places to park at Wrigley, if you want to pay $50+ dollars a game and even then there is no guarantee the side or your car won’t be used as a urinal.
 
Nightlife? I’ll give it to the Cubs there.  Wrigelyville is surrounded by bars where Cubs fans can congregate to become even more inebriated after the game and sing that ear piercing Steve Goodman “Go Cubs Go” over and over again, while pining over girls they have no chance of scoring with.
 
(Seymour) And as far as I can tell, fans at Wrigley wear their footwear where it belongs….on our feet, not on our heads.  Of course, Soxman has a much tamer version of this south side tradition of wearing dirty footwear on the opposite end of where they belong.   Most of the South side fans wear panty hose on their heads, to score tickets & crack money from the poor, local 7-11 shopkeeper.
 

 
 

(SM) Well, Seymour the only thing the Sox will be beating and stealing this weekend is the Cubs. As we have the second best batting average with runners in scoring position in MLB (.286), we are not going to let much slip past us. In closing, let’s talk about your closer, Kerry Wood.  He’s having a great comeback year much like Carlos Quentin and Jose Contreras.  However, that facial hair he’s sporting lately looks a lot like Bobby Jenks.  Envious perhaps?  Just like winning a World Series, we have to do it first, before the Cubs follow…a shame really.
 
From closing to clothing, don’t be hating on my fashions. Good guys wear socks on their head.  Besides, I find it very interesting how your family site: Since1908Clothing.com actually sells a shirt that tells it all when it comes to the timeless Cubs/Sox debate:
 
Southsiders: 2
Northsiders: 0
 
You can put it on the board…yyyyeeeeaaassss!

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