Cubs TRADE Alfonso Soriano, please trade bimbo claiming to be his mistress too

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The New York Yankees have traded for Alfonso Soriano. Whatever the Chicago Cubs get back in return it’s worth it. According to multiple sources, the Cubs have sent Alfonso Soriano to the Yankees. They will reportedly pick up $17.7 million of the remaining $24.9 million Soriano is owed in return for a mid-level prospect.  Soriano is scheduled to make $18 million next season, $5 million of which will be paid by the Yankees. The Cubs will get Class A pitcher Corey Black in return. Take the bimbo here who seems to be his mistress too.

In 2008, I attended a Chicago Cubs home game on a first date with a young woman who revealed early in the game that she was good friends with Alfonso Soriano. I thought maybe she was just playing the “oh, look at what famous athletes are interested in me, doesn’t that really impress you?” card. For some odd reason, extremely insecure and shallow women love to run this trick play against me; as if it would actually work? LOL!

Sadly, this group of women actually includes some female “journalists” I know.

Back to Alfonso Soriano girl, she had his bank pin number and showed me some Facebook photos with him. I still have a fan photo with her in my inbox, as well as her name. I won’t publish it right here, right now though. I could be persuaded to give both to you, perhaps. Or at least let you see it. Maybe.

Coincidentally, our date happened to be the exact same one in which Sori got hit by a pitch, injured and placed on IR for 6 weeks. Therefore, my “date” was right there at his every beck and call that evening. She was his date, or his subordinate.

“Oh, who will drive his car home? He’s got a broken hand!” She said.

Well, you stupid bimbo, he has the richest contract in Cubs history, I think they can find a lowly intern to do it for him.


“Oh, but he doesn’t speak English that well, I’m one of the few people here he can trust,” she said.

Right, you’re so trust-worthy. One of the first things when I met you was “I hate the Cubs, I’m a Cardinals fan.”

You hate the Cubs so much that you’re “close friends” and likely something more with the Cubs Left-fielder. And like too many white girls in their 20s and 30s, she was a big time drunk who hates her job. Remember, my story is 100% true as told here. I remember it vividly. I’m a first hand witness/reliable source.

I would pay much more money to see Alfonso Ribeiro than Alfonso Soriano; doing anything.  Alfonso Abraham Lincoln Ribeiro (yes, that really is his name) or Carlton Banks from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” might have been enough to redeem any time I have to watch Alfonso Soriano in a Cubs uniform. Can the Yankees send Alfonso Ribeiro back in return?


Alfonso Soriano is the poster child for the Cubs teardown. Just like Adam Dunn is emblematic of the impending White Sox teardown. Pull the trigger Yankees, get this thing done!

Paul M. Banks is the owner of The Sports, a Fox Sports affiliate. He also is an analyst for 95.7 The Fan, and writes on Chicago sports media for Chicago Now. President Barack Obama follows him on Twitter (@PaulMBanks), like him on Facebook

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